Before the massacre, I had a few ideas for new entries for this blog. After it happened, I felt suddenly paralyzed. Every topic seemed irrelevant and trivial. There are no words.
I've read many articles since, pausing to read the names of the brutally murdered. It is a list I looked for. Each time a name rolled off my tongue, I imagined the horror of their deaths, and what those last few minutes of their lives must have been like. After I read the last name, there was a knot in my belly. I made a conscious decision not to look at the photos that have been circulating online, not just because I know I will not be able to handle it, but because I feel like it's one thing I can give them--their privacy and my respect.
Does that sound weird?
I've seen some photos because I had no choice; they were splashed on the front page of my newspaper. When I look for news updates, there they are. But I will not look for them and I've avoided links that I know contain more graphic photos. If that happened to me--God forbid--I wouldn't want everyone to look at me. That is all I can give them now--my prayers and respect.
There will never be words to make sense of all those lives so brutally cut short because it will never make sense. Life goes on, on one level, and I realize that this kind of evil must be countered with all expressions of life. So I will continue to put all my thoughts here--trivial as they may seem--because I refuse to let the evil get to me and weigh me down. I won't let it take over.
We all grieve. This tragedy, made more despicable because it was wrought by (in)human hands, is one of many we have already endured as Filipinos. But we cannot let this evil win. Like everyone else, I will follow this story and write what I need to write, say what I feel I can say. Beyond that, I will vote for people whom I know stand for true change--people who will make sure that deep, positive, life-affirming changes can finally take root in this country. I will not be swayed by surveys or sentiment. I will behave in a way that will bring this country forward--in thought, word and deed, as upright as I can manage--because I know that's what it will take to wipe out the evil that continues to damage the Filipino soul.
In the meantime, I will not be paralyzed. Evil cannot win.
*Thanks to whoever created the image.
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