MAMOO

FE CRUZ DONOVAN 12.1.1921 - 12.6.2009

I wanted to write something about Mamoo on December 1, the day she turned 88, but I didn't realize until then that my scanner wasn't working. I had to wait for D to fix it for me. Then I had to figure out how to crop it--I know, I know, I'm just not a techie. It just takes me longer. But when I had the photo cropped and ready to go, it was past the date. On Sunday, she crossed over and now here we are.

This is how I like to remember my grandmother--happy, surrounded with color and just plain beautiful. The Alzheimer's took that away, so I'm happy that she's free of the physical sheath that seemed to be more of a prison these last few years. Seeing her--even just thinking of her--was always a source of pain and anguish. But now that she's gone, I find myself remembering all the wonderful times, all the silly things she was always doing to make us laugh, everything she taught us (from crocheting, sewing, cooking, etc.), did for us--there was so much.

I know it's personal, but I want her to have her place here in cyberspace, and in all the places and spaces of my life.

This is how I like to remember her.

ARE WE AFRAID?

Are we afraid of what it will mean for each of us if a leader of integrity and vision--yes, VISION--is elected? Sometimes I feel like it's so easy for us to claim it as the future we really want, but when it comes down to making it happen, we can't, because it means the entire landscape of our lives will change. Wala nang palakasan, diba? Lahat pantay-pantay. Baka wala na ang mga VIP lines, baka wala ng relevance ang pagka-who's who mo. Let's face it, everyone has someone they can run to, to make things move forward a little, and we all rely on that more than we care to admit. And that is why old politics continues to reign in this country. So many people have too much invested in it. The murky part of our identities are so mired in it.

What does it mean for us, individually, if someone of integrity holds office? Are we ready to let things go for the NEW stuff to come through? Because it won't happen on its own. We have to make space for it--in our thinking, in the way we live, the way we will eventually vote. I hope it will mean we are all forced to be the change we keep praying for at last, that what comes out of our mouths today as platitudes soon translate into courageous action. Because what I'm seeing now, especially in that sorry realm of politics, is we're not ready for something new AT ALL, no matter how violently we shake our fists in the air, no matter how many times we rally, no matter the tears we keep shedding.

What I keep seeing is old stuff. People keep claiming they're bringing in new politics, but their approach is old--money, celebrities, that oh-so-TRAPO-tone, speeches full of fervor but also overflowing with mindsets from the past. We keep responding to something we've seen before because it feels comfortable, but is that what our country needs?

I've never been interested in politics. Each time I watch anything that has to do with it, I mostly recoil at the antics, but I am paying close attention because I feel my country is so painfully effed-up and the only way to bring it back on its feet is for each of us to to break open our thinking, the way we never have before. We have to put sentiment aside, let go of emotions that no longer serve us and approach the next elections with an openness we've never had before.

I have my candidate, but I still listen to what the others have to say and try to stay objective because I owe my country that much. To the very end, I will keep myself open to what might be emerging. I owe my country my informed choice. I will not vote based on anything anyone says. Surveys do nothing for me. Noise, glamour, glitter, bejewelled and coiffed supporters do not sway me. I will continue to listen to each candidate (except for the criminals, fyi) and vote out of my conscience.

I know, people like to think I'm impractical, a dreamer, a tree-hugger and just plain old crazy. (YAY!) But just think about where everything you're seeing in politics today has brought us. Where has machinery brought us? Money? Winnability? Topping the surveys? Any standard of the past we keep looking for, for that matter, can no longer apply. Just look at where we are and see why we need to choose our candidate in a way we never have before. Before we ridicule or cancel them out, let's ask ourselves the hard questions.

Remove the word IMPOSSIBLE. Block all outside influence. Listen to yourself. Conquer your fears and go for gold. If we want new politics, we have to be clear about what we mean and be ready for everything that needs to change in our lives today.

AGAINST PARALYSIS

Before the massacre, I had a few ideas for new entries for this blog. After it happened, I felt suddenly paralyzed. Every topic seemed irrelevant and trivial. There are no words.

I've read many articles since, pausing to read the names of the brutally murdered. It is a list I looked for. Each time a name rolled off my tongue, I imagined the horror of their deaths, and what those last few minutes of their lives must have been like. After I read the last name, there was a knot in my belly. I made a conscious decision not to look at the photos that have been circulating online, not just because I know I will not be able to handle it, but because I feel like it's one thing I can give them--their privacy and my respect.

Does that sound weird?

I've seen some photos because I had no choice; they were splashed on the front page of my newspaper. When I look for news updates, there they are. But I will not look for them and I've avoided links that I know contain more graphic photos. If that happened to me--God forbid--I wouldn't want everyone to look at me. That is all I can give them now--my prayers and respect.

There will never be words to make sense of all those lives so brutally cut short because it will never make sense. Life goes on, on one level, and I realize that this kind of evil must be countered with all expressions of life. So I will continue to put all my thoughts here--trivial as they may seem--because I refuse to let the evil get to me and weigh me down. I won't let it take over.

We all grieve. This tragedy, made more despicable because it was wrought by (in)human hands, is one of many we have already endured as Filipinos. But we cannot let this evil win. Like everyone else, I will follow this story and write what I need to write, say what I feel I can say. Beyond that, I will vote for people whom I know stand for true change--people who will make sure that deep, positive, life-affirming changes can finally take root in this country. I will not be swayed by surveys or sentiment. I will behave in a way that will bring this country forward--in thought, word and deed, as upright as I can manage--because I know that's what it will take to wipe out the evil that continues to damage the Filipino soul.

In the meantime, I will not be paralyzed. Evil cannot win.

*Thanks to whoever created the image.

Maguindanao

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GAME!

I can never get these images to come out right! Click here.

PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN ALREADY!

I watched yet another forum for presidential candidates just the other day and right in the middle of the panel was Erap. Who, what, where, how and why? These were just some of the questions that poked and provoked.

Why even invite him? Does anybody remember People Power 2 and why it happened?! I listened to him spouting nonsense, answering questions about corruption, as if it weren't his most intimate buddy. What was this person doing there? Why were we even giving him the time of day? That he thinks that after stealing (and killing)and spending time in jail, he can still run for the highest position in the land which he already botched big time, is reason enough to have him committed; that he was in the forum is reason to have all of us committed.

We all need to lift our feet and put them solidly back on the ground. Foot down. Millions of Pinoy feet. Down. Tama na lahat ng magnanakaw na pumapapel na hindi nagnanakaw! Tama na si Imelda, for example. Bakit binigyan ng parangal sa CCP? That she built it and was a kind of patroness of the arts is one thing, but it's one thing that doesn't wipe out everything else she did. There is no such thing as a clean slate unless people face the consequences of their criminality. There can be no forgiveness if people refuse to stand up for their mistakes and say, "I did it. I'm sorry. I will face what I need to face." They also need to spell out what they did so that everyone sees exactly what they are forgiving. It will show us that they are fully aware of every transgression. It's the only hope that maybe, it won't happen again. Maybe. But for as long as there is no admission, and every criminal keeps pretending they are innocent when the facts and proof are practical universe-size monuments, there should be no place for them in our society. None. Not on a podium anywhere, not on any space that honors them.

This is our fault, too. I couldn't stand watching Erap. I couldn't stand what he represented and how his presence speaks volumes about our collective weakness as a people. All I could do was walk away from the TV. But maybe that's enough for now. If we just stopped participating in every appearance of every criminal-in-denial, perhaps that's already something. You see them, you walk away. Make them completely invisible. They don't exist, therefore, they cannot run for office or have a voice in society. They can't. They're not there.

I was going to put a great image of ERAP to accompany this piece, but I couldn't find the source. But maybe it all works out. Why even put his face here.

Foot down.