Good Work

I started doing our laundry after my helpers broke our washing machine for the nth time several years ago. I haven't stopped and our washer hasn't conked out since. When I built my house, I made sure the laundry room was upstairs, right next to my study.  I have to say it is one of my most-used spaces! Since I've taken over this task, our clothes are lasting longer, nothing turns pink, shrinks or is damaged. Everything lasts longer, my whites don't ever turn gray, and the delicates are always nicely cared for.

My friends laugh at my thing for laundry but to me it's one of the most therapeutic household chores!  I love putting a load in and waiting for the dirt to rise, knowing everything will come out clean, renewed and ready for another round of living.  It is truly one of my joys.

Folding laundry is another zen experience for me and is a sort of review of my life.  I can tell so much about the week just from the clothes I fold.  I remember with a pang of relief that a child was sick (and is well at last), because of the unusual amount of pajamas I had to wash.  I can sense how roughly my children played in school by the pile of extra shirts and clothes I am taking extra time to fold.   I also feel that I am putting my touch on their clothes, getting in there in ways that will hold them when they are not with me. It is a quiet time full of stories told and untold--yet another way of holding my family close.

Some people have looked at my laundry room and me in awe, as if it were such an impossible tandem, but my household chores ground and calm me.  They put me right at the center of my family, so that no matter how badly the day goes, how imperfect or short-tempered I was, I know that I am there still, right where I need to be.  I know that my children will feel my care everywhere--there in the food they eat, there in the clean clothes they wear.

Housework is good work. I am happy that my hands are able to care for my boys and I know that they will grow up with a fuller sense of what it means to have a family.

GIVING

November 30 will be the first Advent Sunday. So begins our journey towards Christmas. Already the air is changed; the quality of darkness is smooth and thick as velvet.

Everywhere we turn we are enveloped by the feeling of anxiety over the worldwide economic crisis.  We are all feeling the pinch, one way or another.  I have written before that there is a positive aspect to this crisis; it pushes us towards the essence of things.  What do we really need? What ought we give?

I see this Christmas as the beginning of clear and conscious spending and giving--not just for the season but for the years to come.  Because money is tight all around, we have to be more aware of where we put it and to be vigilant that our attitude towards it doesn't become one of contraction. On the contrary, I feel it necessary to keep this energy of money moving but in positive and meaningful ways.  Let's put our money behind initiatives we want to thrive and flourish in the world.

I plan to make a list of people and things I would like to truly support next year and allocate whatever funds I may have already--in the beginning of the year--so that I am not blindsided by requests for help towards one thing or the other, mostly at the expense of my personal budget. Even in our giving habits, we have to be clear and organized! I have found myself giving towards something I didn't plan on and then ending up with a personal deficit.  That's not healthy either. Part of conscious spending is keeping yourself in a position where you don't have to scramble and panic because you didn't leave enough for yourself.

You can make birthdays and Christmases all about giving to the projects you want to see happen and then just make--handmade is better--a card for whoever is having a birthday, reflecting your donation and a short description of the initiative, that may inspire that person to give as well. In other words, we shift the emphasis from the material to the spiritual-material.  This is money well spent.

This economic crisis can bring us into healthier relationships with money, spending and giving, if we just put more thought and heart into what we have and what we want to make happen in our communities and the world around us. It is not a time to hoard but to make sure that we participate in the conscious movement of whatever we have--now more than ever--towards our greater reality.  We do not have to give huge amounts, but whatever little extra we have can go towards that energy of including more individuals and communities in the changes that we need to make happen, possibly through courses that individuals can take to sharpen their skills--as teachers, parents, caregivers--however the opportunities present themselves in your life.  We also have to put a stop to saying yes, just because we are being led by our emotions. This is a time for bringing true form and discipline in the energy of gift-giving, saying yes to those initiatives you truly believe in and no to those that do not resonate.

Everyone has something to give towards change.  This is a wonderful time to put all your talents to true use and this begins by owning all the talents you have and deciding to put it to use for others.  Our concept of wealth has to shift from "money" to everything else that really matters. Money is not the only things that makes this world go round.  This financial crisis is proof of its destructive nature. Now, more than ever, we have to honor abundance where it has always been, discarding thoughts and feelings of scarcity that will truly manifest if we persist.

This crisis can be the very thing that can bring balance into the world at last. Let us do our share by making things right where we are and begin to give clearly and consciously towards initiatives that will create the changes we so want to see in the world.

PINOY!!!!

I've never been attached to labels. Why spend megabucks (enough to send kids to school, feed multiple families, or do other much needed,  life-giving work in the world) for anything that has someone else's name or trademark on it? I couldn't live with myself.  I guess my weaknesses lie elsewhere.  But for innovations like these, I do my share and spread the word. 

Say hi to the "Maria" collection--so proudly Pinoy. I own a Sili Labuyo, which I will be collecting soon, courtesy of my sister, Tam, who conceptualized and designed the bags! Brilliant! I know, nepotism and all that, but really it's a great product and I would have featured it here even if the genius behind it didn't share my blood. Just so happens we do.

There are other designs as well but for some reason I'm unable to post all of them at this time. This is merely the first blush.  As we speak, other products in the line are on the way.  For now, make sure you get yourself a bag that says something!  Why say LV (all over the bag!)when you can say something more interesting like Kalachuchi, Dalandan or Suha?? (Yup, the line has those, too). Check them out at the Global Pinoy Bazaar on Cuenca St., Ayala Alabang Village on October 18 & 19, the Urban Bazaar at the Rockwell tent on October 24 & 25 and at the Assumption Bazaar at the Intercon on November 23.  You can also email your orders to tamilabags@gmail.com.

AGING IS LIFE!

I was recently interviewed about aging in the October issue of Marie Claire. I declined at first because they said it was about defying age and I don't do that; I embrace it. I thought I would be left alone after that, but it turns out they wanted that perspective, too. It was just going to be a sidebar so the interview was edited.  I print it here in full:

Was there ever a time in your life when you became anxious about getting old?  If yes, how old were you when you started to feel that anxiety, and exactly what was it about getting old that had you worried?

No. The closest I would get to this kind of anxiety was related to my life's task: What if I never figure out what my life is about? What if I do not fulfill my task? Any anxiety I have now about the future has more to do with my security, or raising my children the right way, but I have never felt anxious about getting old. I am more worried about becoming irrelevant.

Why did you choose to let nature take its course instead of using products and treatments to fight the effects of aging on physical appearance?  Why do you think the natural way is the better way?

Because I believe in working on myself from the inside out and I also believe in honoring the physical body/face I was born with. That comes from nature, from God. I don't think it's meant to be fought. It's not like I'm not taking care of myself. I do,but I use organic and biodynamic products, body oils, etc.I have a cleansing and moisturizing routine, but I do this all for well-being rather than vanity and I definitely do not do it to "fight" aging. Our outer appearance has everything to do with our inner condition--what we eat (organic or not, the general quality of our food), the thoughts we think, the way we handle emotions, whether we live with joy or bitterness, how we move, how well we care for ourselves in general--and I think that is the more meaningful approach to life. If you work on being healthy in thought, word and deed, your physical body will follow. When people say I look younger than my age I figure they must be seeing something else because physically, it is clear to me that I have aged. It all boils down to what you think your life is about and how you choose to live your life in the world.  I choose to live in harmony with nature; anything that is not natural is costing the earth and those of us who live in it.

How did you develop this transcendent mindset that allowed you to wholeheartedly embrace the process of aging, and all the lines and wrinkles that come with it?  What do you tell yourself that maybe other women can also put in their own minds so they will be more at peace with getting older?

It's about asking the right questions about your life, I suppose. If one is terrified about aging, why?  If one has the need to look outwardly young, why?  Perhaps there was something one needed to go through in their youth but didn't, and there might be an inner yearning that, because it is unexamined, is manifesting itself in a different way? What needs to be healed -- made whole again--in your life, so that you can move forward and not cling to an ideal that is no longer you or for you? Aging is a wonderful thing if you have lived your life fully at every stage. I certainly do not want to go back to the pain and angst--though necessary--of the thirties, even if I was physically in better shape and was closer to that elusive ideal of society. That had to be. Today I'm noticing that though my looks are definitely changing and I definitely do not have as much energy as before, my thighs have that extra jiggle (which my boys love!!), and I'm seeing some white hair, something inside me and also in my thinking is opening up and awakening.  Sometimes I feel like my brain is actually changing because I am beginning to think differently and I am starting to have a relationship with the world that was not possible before and this necessitates a certain softening of the body. This means change in my whole being. I think it is exciting! Of course there are days when I look at my body and think I should exercise more, but it doesn't rule my life. I love what is happening to me on a different level. It is a welcoming of the passage of time and all the wonderful gifts they bring. I love seeing people who are aging gracefully. I've seen so many beautiful old people and I marvel at the many stories of life, pain, love and joy that are expressed in their physicality. Why edit that? To me, life is a conscious striving and moving forward--a journey towards the future--not the past. The task is too meet that with grace. Isn't that what it means to be human?

(photo of Ifugao woman by Dale Diaz)

ABUNDANCE NOT SCARCITY

That's what I remind myself almost daily.  I have to consciously leap from one perspective to the next (latter to former, of course, thanks to a lifetime of programming). Most of us live from the point-of-view of scarcity, of not having enough or being enough, always being short, substandard, seeing what's wrong and never what's working-- and that creates a ripple of energy that boomerangs right back at us, thereby fulfilling the prophecy.

The world is in an economic crisis now;  all we see is lack or impending lack.  We're seeing difficult times, lean times, cutting back, scrimping, saving, sacrificing, denying ourselves, doing without, doing with much less. What we see is doom and fear. But is this inevitable? 

This economic crisis is a tremendous opportunity for the world to shift at last. We are a world of uber-consumers. We keep changing, adding, multiplying, accruing, accumulating, consuming, upgrading, buying, buying, buying.  This is our opportunity to look at what we really have and surprise ourselves as we change the lens from "scarce" to "enough" and, perhaps, even more than enough.

I struggle with this everyday.  I grew up in an environment of "not enough", though I don't remember ever going hungry.  We always had what we needed. We did okay, though there is this buzz I inherited from who-knows-where, that made me view the world through the lens of scarcity. I got a sound education (though not Ivy League which, in hindsight, feels like a blessing)and certainly was given enough to make something of myself after, if not in the realm of mainstream success then in other, more personally relevant ways.  Yet I'm having to undo this feeling of scarcity that seems to have been ingrained in me.  I work on it because I don't want my children to inherit it. You can have everything material you could possibly need or want, but if you come from a place of seeing only scarcity, you will feel just that.  I don't want that for them.

I've stopped looking at money--or everything it can buy--to survey my life.  It's not how much money I have in the bank anymore but my ability to meet my family's needs that is the better measure.  Am I able to fulfill my needs and theirs when necessary?  So far, yes!  There have been months that were tight but always, always, something comes up to cover just what I need. And that to me is abundance! It has nothing to do with what I have but my ability to make the most of it when I need it.  It's also because I see that I am able to fulfill so many needs that have nothing to do with material wealth, but inner resources. It's almost miraculous.

I find that when I am engaged in the sharing of my inmost self, I am better able to feel and see abundance in my life. But when I am thinking and moving out of an inner space that is not generous in nature (and I'm not necessarily talking material wealth here), then I feel helpless and afraid of the future and all that brings.  Scarcity is often a fear that is connected to the future, not the past, that's why it's paralyzing.  Abundance is now!  And if we stop and survey our lives, I'm sure that we have more reason to feel abundance than scarcity.  

I just need to look at my garden and the clear blue sky above, inhale the fresh air that envelops me daily and I know it!  I see my children savoring whatever simple meal I managed to whip up for them and it is there again. This doesn't mean my fears are gone forever. They are not. I still hope for a lot of things in my life to fall into place and there's still that nagging thought..."when I....then I will truly feel abundant....", but since I've tried to make the feeling of abundance a regular and conscious practice, I find that I am able to trust the unknown more and see, with clear eyes, everything that I truly have today. And if I view my life from that window of clarity, I see a lot.  When I view it from the view of fear and projected need, I see scarcity.

So many people envied my life before.  Someone even said my story was like a fairy tale. But it wasn't.  I have so much less materially today but my life is so much truer and fuller, in every sense of the word, and all that has to do with the quality of faith I put in my inner life and a powerful commitment towards integration, rather than my external circumstances. These are the tools I hang on to and they are the ones that have brought me true feelings of abundance. They allow me to take the long and wide view.

I know women who look longingly at designer bags and shoes, watches, jewelry, cars, vacations--each one a peg towards fulfillment and I just know how very disappointed and empty they will feel at each turn.  They may end up with closets full of these things but abundance still won't be there.  It is somewhere else entirely.  I've seen women parading in town already adorned with all these trappings, but I've also seen how they stare forlornly into space. I know people who are crazy wealthy but use their wealth to hurt others in subtle but vicious ways and I know that there is a big crater of a void in them where true and living abundance ought to be. 

We don't have to be wealthy to live in abundance; we only have to be able to see and appreciate everything we've already been given and trust that we have what it takes to have our true needs met.  All we need to do today is change the lens from which we view life.  And then allow ourselves to be amazed and grateful for everything that is already there.

SOCIAL HYGIENE

What is it? To me, it is keeping social spaces clear of unwarranted clutter. And this begins with keeping conversations and correspondence private.  Unless the exchange happens in an e-group or is spoken aloud within a group, one must assume that any information traded is private. That is social hygiene.  Once you start passing information along that was not meant for others, you begin to clutter space, create conflict and ill will.

Especially today where information can be passed along so quickly, we must learn to create firmer boundaries.  As recipients and bearers of information, we must be quick about assessing ourselves in relation to the information we find ourselves privy to.

I have to remind myself about this constantly because it is so easy to get sucked into the vortex of information-sharing when you assume certain boundaries are present.  So you lay your thoughts and feelings wide open only to find out that the only boundaries present were yours. Your information was passed along without the benefit of your context. Already, a different story is born, shrouded in the context and emotions of its new and self-appointed bearer. And that is how cracks begin in relationships.  To me, such experiences are lessons in trust and I learn them quickly. We all should.

If something of consequence emerges in a conversation or through correspondence and you feel others would benefit from it, the best thing to do is ask permission from the source.  Is it okay to forward the email?  Is it okay to relay the message? Is it okay to repeat the story outside of this circle?  It is such a simple gesture, really, but one that shows great respect for the thoughts and feelings of others. It is hygienic!  It doesn't create conflict but rather opens the windows for light to shine through.  What a difference that makes. It is straightforward, clear, and in no way creates false perceptions about people and events, simply because you honored the source.

We are all guilty of this.  When we feel friendships have deepened and important experiences shared, we open up and begin to trade information casually, assuming that everyone will respect what is being said.  There are people in my circle I trust and have trusted for decades and they have not disappointed.  So I relax and assume that most people share the same sensibilities. It isn't so. In this day of information craziness, we have to be much more careful and stricter with our personal boundaries.  Practicing social hygiene is a show of respect we must all strive for.  The health and survival of our communities depend on it.

The Tree

Many years ago when my firstborn was barely walking, I carried the beginnings of an inner turbulence. There was a heaviness in me that would not sink.

One morning, very much aware of the growing heaviness in me, I found myself flying low over Metro Manila.  Right below me was a wide expanse of fiery red-orange blossoms of this--the African Tulip Tree.  I was admiring the strength and boldness of this tree and the magnificence of the view--row upon row of bright orange blooms jutting out of the vast green. It was doing something inside me that was confusing at the time. But there was crazy motion around my heart and solar plexus.  At that moment I very distinctly heard the phrase, "Find your voice."  The message was audible. It was in me and yet unspoken by me and it was clear as day.

Years later, in what feels like a new life carved out of the old, I find myself steward of such a tree.  It is the one major tree my lot came with and I only realized what it was when it started to bloom for me.  The tree sits squarely in the center of my view from the bedroom--something I could not have planned, but there it is.

Almost a week ago, my children were somewhere in it and my youngest fell from one of its branches. That moment was one of those heart-in-your-throat motherhood moments. Everything was in slow motion.  But save for the shock, my little boy was fine.  It is now his tree, too.  It was after that incident that I began piecing together the significance of this tree in my life.

For the first time in my biography, I feel that I am finding my voice.  It is not complete and not always heard, but I feel that it is already gaining resonance.  I look back on that moment I heard the message and know that it was grace. From there the journey was painful, nearly unbearable, but today looking at this tree across my bedroom, I see how very necessary everything was and how important it is to take heed and listen to the very depths of our being and be open to the images around us always.  If we are awake to it, we will find that the world constantly speaks to us.

The African Tulip Tree is my daily reminder that I am constantly held in grace if I would only be still and accept it.