ABUNDANCE NOT SCARCITY

That's what I remind myself almost daily.  I have to consciously leap from one perspective to the next (latter to former, of course, thanks to a lifetime of programming). Most of us live from the point-of-view of scarcity, of not having enough or being enough, always being short, substandard, seeing what's wrong and never what's working-- and that creates a ripple of energy that boomerangs right back at us, thereby fulfilling the prophecy.

The world is in an economic crisis now;  all we see is lack or impending lack.  We're seeing difficult times, lean times, cutting back, scrimping, saving, sacrificing, denying ourselves, doing without, doing with much less. What we see is doom and fear. But is this inevitable? 

This economic crisis is a tremendous opportunity for the world to shift at last. We are a world of uber-consumers. We keep changing, adding, multiplying, accruing, accumulating, consuming, upgrading, buying, buying, buying.  This is our opportunity to look at what we really have and surprise ourselves as we change the lens from "scarce" to "enough" and, perhaps, even more than enough.

I struggle with this everyday.  I grew up in an environment of "not enough", though I don't remember ever going hungry.  We always had what we needed. We did okay, though there is this buzz I inherited from who-knows-where, that made me view the world through the lens of scarcity. I got a sound education (though not Ivy League which, in hindsight, feels like a blessing)and certainly was given enough to make something of myself after, if not in the realm of mainstream success then in other, more personally relevant ways.  Yet I'm having to undo this feeling of scarcity that seems to have been ingrained in me.  I work on it because I don't want my children to inherit it. You can have everything material you could possibly need or want, but if you come from a place of seeing only scarcity, you will feel just that.  I don't want that for them.

I've stopped looking at money--or everything it can buy--to survey my life.  It's not how much money I have in the bank anymore but my ability to meet my family's needs that is the better measure.  Am I able to fulfill my needs and theirs when necessary?  So far, yes!  There have been months that were tight but always, always, something comes up to cover just what I need. And that to me is abundance! It has nothing to do with what I have but my ability to make the most of it when I need it.  It's also because I see that I am able to fulfill so many needs that have nothing to do with material wealth, but inner resources. It's almost miraculous.

I find that when I am engaged in the sharing of my inmost self, I am better able to feel and see abundance in my life. But when I am thinking and moving out of an inner space that is not generous in nature (and I'm not necessarily talking material wealth here), then I feel helpless and afraid of the future and all that brings.  Scarcity is often a fear that is connected to the future, not the past, that's why it's paralyzing.  Abundance is now!  And if we stop and survey our lives, I'm sure that we have more reason to feel abundance than scarcity.  

I just need to look at my garden and the clear blue sky above, inhale the fresh air that envelops me daily and I know it!  I see my children savoring whatever simple meal I managed to whip up for them and it is there again. This doesn't mean my fears are gone forever. They are not. I still hope for a lot of things in my life to fall into place and there's still that nagging thought..."when I....then I will truly feel abundant....", but since I've tried to make the feeling of abundance a regular and conscious practice, I find that I am able to trust the unknown more and see, with clear eyes, everything that I truly have today. And if I view my life from that window of clarity, I see a lot.  When I view it from the view of fear and projected need, I see scarcity.

So many people envied my life before.  Someone even said my story was like a fairy tale. But it wasn't.  I have so much less materially today but my life is so much truer and fuller, in every sense of the word, and all that has to do with the quality of faith I put in my inner life and a powerful commitment towards integration, rather than my external circumstances. These are the tools I hang on to and they are the ones that have brought me true feelings of abundance. They allow me to take the long and wide view.

I know women who look longingly at designer bags and shoes, watches, jewelry, cars, vacations--each one a peg towards fulfillment and I just know how very disappointed and empty they will feel at each turn.  They may end up with closets full of these things but abundance still won't be there.  It is somewhere else entirely.  I've seen women parading in town already adorned with all these trappings, but I've also seen how they stare forlornly into space. I know people who are crazy wealthy but use their wealth to hurt others in subtle but vicious ways and I know that there is a big crater of a void in them where true and living abundance ought to be. 

We don't have to be wealthy to live in abundance; we only have to be able to see and appreciate everything we've already been given and trust that we have what it takes to have our true needs met.  All we need to do today is change the lens from which we view life.  And then allow ourselves to be amazed and grateful for everything that is already there.

SOCIAL HYGIENE

What is it? To me, it is keeping social spaces clear of unwarranted clutter. And this begins with keeping conversations and correspondence private.  Unless the exchange happens in an e-group or is spoken aloud within a group, one must assume that any information traded is private. That is social hygiene.  Once you start passing information along that was not meant for others, you begin to clutter space, create conflict and ill will.

Especially today where information can be passed along so quickly, we must learn to create firmer boundaries.  As recipients and bearers of information, we must be quick about assessing ourselves in relation to the information we find ourselves privy to.

I have to remind myself about this constantly because it is so easy to get sucked into the vortex of information-sharing when you assume certain boundaries are present.  So you lay your thoughts and feelings wide open only to find out that the only boundaries present were yours. Your information was passed along without the benefit of your context. Already, a different story is born, shrouded in the context and emotions of its new and self-appointed bearer. And that is how cracks begin in relationships.  To me, such experiences are lessons in trust and I learn them quickly. We all should.

If something of consequence emerges in a conversation or through correspondence and you feel others would benefit from it, the best thing to do is ask permission from the source.  Is it okay to forward the email?  Is it okay to relay the message? Is it okay to repeat the story outside of this circle?  It is such a simple gesture, really, but one that shows great respect for the thoughts and feelings of others. It is hygienic!  It doesn't create conflict but rather opens the windows for light to shine through.  What a difference that makes. It is straightforward, clear, and in no way creates false perceptions about people and events, simply because you honored the source.

We are all guilty of this.  When we feel friendships have deepened and important experiences shared, we open up and begin to trade information casually, assuming that everyone will respect what is being said.  There are people in my circle I trust and have trusted for decades and they have not disappointed.  So I relax and assume that most people share the same sensibilities. It isn't so. In this day of information craziness, we have to be much more careful and stricter with our personal boundaries.  Practicing social hygiene is a show of respect we must all strive for.  The health and survival of our communities depend on it.

The Tree

Many years ago when my firstborn was barely walking, I carried the beginnings of an inner turbulence. There was a heaviness in me that would not sink.

One morning, very much aware of the growing heaviness in me, I found myself flying low over Metro Manila.  Right below me was a wide expanse of fiery red-orange blossoms of this--the African Tulip Tree.  I was admiring the strength and boldness of this tree and the magnificence of the view--row upon row of bright orange blooms jutting out of the vast green. It was doing something inside me that was confusing at the time. But there was crazy motion around my heart and solar plexus.  At that moment I very distinctly heard the phrase, "Find your voice."  The message was audible. It was in me and yet unspoken by me and it was clear as day.

Years later, in what feels like a new life carved out of the old, I find myself steward of such a tree.  It is the one major tree my lot came with and I only realized what it was when it started to bloom for me.  The tree sits squarely in the center of my view from the bedroom--something I could not have planned, but there it is.

Almost a week ago, my children were somewhere in it and my youngest fell from one of its branches. That moment was one of those heart-in-your-throat motherhood moments. Everything was in slow motion.  But save for the shock, my little boy was fine.  It is now his tree, too.  It was after that incident that I began piecing together the significance of this tree in my life.

For the first time in my biography, I feel that I am finding my voice.  It is not complete and not always heard, but I feel that it is already gaining resonance.  I look back on that moment I heard the message and know that it was grace. From there the journey was painful, nearly unbearable, but today looking at this tree across my bedroom, I see how very necessary everything was and how important it is to take heed and listen to the very depths of our being and be open to the images around us always.  If we are awake to it, we will find that the world constantly speaks to us.

The African Tulip Tree is my daily reminder that I am constantly held in grace if I would only be still and accept it.

CHANGE

So many of us were touched by the sight of Barack Obama addressing a crowd of 84,000.  He was accepting the Democratic nomination for the presidency.  It was an awesome sight: 84,000 people passionate for CHANGE.  Wouldn’t that be something to see here?

For once I was envious of the American people—to have the possibility of a leader who was inspiring them to tears—aaahhhh, I want that so badly I can taste it!!  And then, for Obama as a candidate, to have 84,000 people who care enough to show up and listen to him, show their support and desire for true change.  That must be something. 

It made me green with envy to hear him tackling issues and outlining his solutions and to realize how far behind we are because we’re not even at a point where we can talk about these things.  We’re in the space of possibility and clawing our way forward, trying to awaken people still from their cynicism and apathy.  In America, people care and they stand up to be heard and they fight for what they think is right.

In our country the terrain is quite different. I still stumble across people who wear their apathy with pride. “I am apathetic,” they announce, as if that were a badge of intellect or breeding, and then in the same breath say that they are Christian. Am I the only one who sees the glaring dissonance in that picture?  Christ, himself, cared and brought change. He died for it.  It pains me daily to see how people can live so contentedly in that dissonance.

Since I began this journey towards truth and integrity, I have seriously started falling away from friends, not because we’ve fought but perhaps because they feel I am not who I used to be.  I can almost feel them flinch when they open their mailboxes and see a message from me, afraid of what I may be asking them to do.  And they are right. I care.  It is in my blood. And I am doing my best to make a difference. Though I wish we could all take that road together, we haven’t. But I cannot turn back.  I cannot put the eye mask on and feign darkness when the light outside is glaringly bright.  Once you are awake, you simply cannot go back to sleep and I have had my heart broken thinking that people I know and love will naturally see how important it is for all of us to live the truth—and all that means.  Living the truth isn’t just about truth-telling but moving consciously towards oneness with Divine Will in everything we do.

No, it is not an easy path and I don’t claim to be the expert.  Like everyone else, I am a student on this path. In my zeal to be the change I want to see in the world, I have risked and lost friendships, because I could not be the same person.  But I have come to that point in my biography where I make a stand everyday and so I see these changes as necessary deaths.  I can no longer sit and let things be.  When I see dissonance and see how it can potentially hurt everyone around it, I speak up.  At least I say my piece and then leave people free to act upon it or ignore me. But my days of standing nowhere are over.

During our PAGASA workshops, this sentiment always comes up: “I want to see change in this country, maybe not in my lifetime but….” And I cannot but counter it with my own burning desire to see it in my lifetime.  I insist on it.  In the course of several exchanges another phrase comes up: “In my own little way….” And it grates.  We all need to stand in confidence as human beings that we are made in the image and likeness of God and fly with that.  No, this is not Messianic, not if we understand it fully.  In our very nature is our capacity to birth great things – things that transform the world.  But if we limit ourselves already in our thinking that our ways are little, then that is what they will be.  Our thoughts do create our realities.  You cannot say you are Christian and then in the same breath make yourself so small and powerless in your own eyes, for I am sure that is not how you were created.  That is not in His image or likeness. 

CHANGE, the kind the American people are birthing, is in our hands. All we need to do is accept the challenge in full consciousness and commitment, despite the hardship it will bring because change necessitates death—of our old beliefs, friendships, relationships, habits.  Only through death can new life enter and that is what our country needs—Filipinos who are willing to die – not physically anymore –but inside them and in the most difficult and hard to reach places, so that new impulses of true change can emerge. 

The days of deluding ourselves into believing that there are necessary evils toward the place of ultimate good are long gone.  No, you are not doing a good deed if you decide to have a fixer process your papers because you figure she’s probably a mother and could use the money.  No, you are not providing livelihood at least, even if you know that your business is illegal or detrimental to the health of humanity and the world.  You are not being a paragon of integrity if you know that what you are bringing into society is not good for it!  It is time to act on the things you know deep in your very being are true. The beginning of authentic change starts right at the point where you say, “No more excuses” and take the road that has long been waiting for the blessing of your determined footprints.  It is not the high road.  It is simply the one that will bring you to your highest space—the space you were born to claim. It is time.

Change does not happen automatically.  Humanity moves to create it.  America is at a turning point in its history—checkered, imperfect, materialistic, dissonant as it is—because its people have an opinion and take a stand despite their differences.  They demand things of their leaders. They insist on being heard.  They will not be made weak and they refuse to be unheard. 

We can get there, too, once we realize that it is in our hands.  A person is not more powerful because he has more money or holds office in government.  True power lies in an authentic ability to be the change we want to see, no matter our station in life.  We hold that change in us, but now we have to buckle down and get to work, clean out the cobwebs of our minds and activate our sleeping limbs towards action.  Every act we put out there towards change is vital.  No one is little.  We will see it in our lifetime if we want to, if we choose to.  We can stand before an inspiring leader of moral integrity if we make space in our hearts and in society for one to step up. We can only do that if we become the change.  We need to become it and live it, then we can demand it and create a strong support base for effective, moral leaders to take their place at last.

In our lifetime we are constantly and repeatedly called to act on something that we know in our hearts to be vital, not just for us, but towards something greater than us, but we often ignore that call because it means giving up so much and entering a largely unknown terrain.  It is terrifying.  But not going there time after time also creates a world of darkness and we must realize that each time we ignore that call, we are laying one more dense brick on that muddy structure, thereby allowing more fear and horror to blossom in the world.

Change will come wholesale if individuals stand up and take their rightful place in it. There are workshops about inner change, self-help books galore, therapies, life coaches, all kinds of modalities you can imagine, but none of that will do anything if the individual has not made the stand to take up everything he has learned and move from the realm of ideas to the realm of vision in action.  We lament that this or that workshop didn’t work or wasn’t effective enough, but we hardly ask ourselves if we even made an effort to use what we learned in the world and made it our own—something relevant, living, vibrant and transformative.  No one can create change for you.  Only you can do it.  Only you will have the strength to make it work.  Only you can wake up from the inner laziness and fear that keeps you from marching forward and claiming the country you want and deserve.

CHANGE is in your hands.  Imagine the possibilities.  The time for lamenting what could be is gone.  The time for living so comfortably in constant defeat is done. Our time is the time of CREATING change.  Are we going to rise to that call at last or continue shedding tears at the sight of Obama and the awesome show of commitment to change the American people are showing the world?

The days of wearing your apathy with pride are over.  We don’t have to agree on everything and unite on one generic image of nationhood.  But we can agree to birth a Philippines of moral integrity and be that very change we will see in our lifetime.  If we enliven the power that is already in us and stop saying, “in my own little way” or “probably not in this lifetime”, we can.

Change is ours to create.  It is ours.

KNOWLEDGE

I pledge never to turn my back on it.  There are many people I've come to admire through my PAGASA work because they are no longer young, are quite accomplished, but who come to us not just impart wisdom, but truly listen to what everyone has to say with openness, respect, even awe and gratitude. We've met PhDs who come because they want to learn more, not because they think they are the sole bearers of knowledge.  What a contrast to people who've spent so many years in school but can't seem to hold their lives together because their education, instead of setting them freer in the world, has trapped them in outdated concepts and ideas of what it means to be human--if they even took that up.

I want to grow old always seeking--and never thinking that I don't need to know more or worse, that I know it all.Horrors. I want to grow more open in my old age and more willing to listen to others and still be excited about learning something new, no matter what I've been through, seen and heard in my lifetime.

It's healthy to strive to keep learning, the older we get.There is nothing more admirable than seeing someone age so beautifully and so well, not fighting time with bad behavior and terrible fashion choices, but riding its passage with grace and an ever-widening openness to what the changing world has to offer. I would hate to grow old and so set in my ways that nothing new could move me. I want to be able to excitedly shout, HEY!, to a great new idea fluttering into my still changing brain from someone young and still coming into being.  I want to be constantly excited about what the next generations bring without ever feeling regret or envy or the need to look like that again. I don't want to be irrelevant, please God, not that.  I want to have the energy to know more each day and the mental agility to move into something new with grace and confidence.

Learning requires openness, humility, grace, determination, discipline,  an ability to awaken oneself, receptivity and a nose that isn't sniffing invisible competition somewhere in the ether. May we all take that hunger into our twilight years, constantly challenging ourselves to take in and give, take in and give, until at last, our time is up.

PURE SEX

The phrase came to me in the context of sex without love. Pure sex. I actually think the opposite--that sex with love is pure sex.  Not even pure in the sense of "clean"which Pinoys always love to throw into the equation, but whole and unsullied; as it should be.

The question was: is it possible to have "pure sex" without love? Given my definition, no.  But in the context in which it was asked (sex without love)I would have to say, yes, it is more than possible. But the question begs: WHY?

Everyone who has had sex with someone who was not fully engaged in heart, mind and body, or who wasn't fully there himself, knows that it leads to greater hunger and desperation. But what is the quality of that hunger and what will truly satisfy it?  We search for it constantly in the realm of the physical, but it isn't there at all.  (A better lover won't do it, either.)  If only physical satisfaction is met, the hunger to experience the true essence of sex grows because what we end up feeling is what was not there that should have been. But if there is a working towards integration of one's highest self and the sexual self, then a space is created for an authentic convergence within, which to me is a necessary ingredient towards a truly full relationship with another.  Then the experience is whole and finally, truly satisfying.

Every person goes through his own battle in the often muddy and misunderstood realm of sexuality. It is a minefield we all must traverse.  But if we paid attention to our feelings, reactions, questions--in mind, body and soul--before, during and after our sexual encounters (with loved or not-so-loved partners)and we are honest with ourselves about it, so much would be revealed.  Really, I feel that the physical coming together ought to come when everything else has come together.  It is the ideal, at least, and worth striving for. 

If we truly paid attention to our authentic feelings, we would realize that the ideal path to a healthy and vibrant sexuality is often already lit but because something in us senses that it is going to be difficult, we choose to close our eyes and go back to sleep instead, afraid of what the journey demands. But what we don't realize is that at the end of all the thrashing, tripping, falling and peeling of painful layers, is that person who is able to integrate his sexuality and spirituality and have fantastic sex in the context of love at last. Pure sex. And after that, the turmoil subsides and new, deeper questions arise that encompass the greater world at last.  But to get there means swimming in the uncharted waters of our soul and spiritual life and stepping up, with full courage, to what that means.

Sex is not just physical. I believe that the physical body is only the portal, so the work of understanding sex is elsewhere in and around us: in our thoughts, soul and spiritual lives, in the world and in the same elements in our partners.

It is a lifetime of work, of that I am convinced, but being conscious of our spirtuality and sexuality, first as individuals, and then in the context of true partnerships, I am hopeful we will come to experience pure sex as the physical expression of love between two (striving to be)integrated human beings who have finally learned that sexuality is a fine and divine expression of their spirituality.

 

HEARTBREAK

I was watching heartbreak at close range very recently. It was difficult to see; the strength of it made me want to look away.  It was so palpable, so very fresh still.

I was asked a lot of questions and so had to think through certain things with a view I wish I had many years ago. When the big love of your life can no longer be, what then? First: life goes on. The worst thing about it is you don't actually die. You think you will every hour, but you don't. Somehow, you continue to live. When you have children that is very easy to do. You have to. You get up in the morning, make an effort to create rhythm and love for them, even if you barely know how to do it all. You laugh still, but it doesn't seem to come from your belly or your heart, maybe your spleen, your liver? You are alive but you are not. But you manage. You get through one meal and then the next, sleepless nights turn to good-sleep nights and before you know it, time has passed.  But do you really heal?

I believe we all heal, with a lot of work, anger, grief, acceptance, time and love, we all do.  But I also feel that we must remember that our hearts are not the sum of that one love and that one love ought not define future loves.  In one life and in that one heart are unfathomable, still unexplored possibilities. Will we ever stop loving one person? Perhaps not completely. We may develop other feelings for them--not all of them good or healthy--but in time that love evolves as well, into something different.  As it should.

But our hearts are big, creative and alive enough to enable us to love others and love differently.  I do not believe you can love the same way ever again--and perhaps we shouldn't, so there is no point comparing.  We are evolving everyday and so everything about us changes. It is healthy to look forward and ahead and use our past only as firm ground for the journey ahead.

Heartbreak, in any form, can be a straight road towards our greater humanity and that's why it is so painful. After that, you can never be the same.  On this often unplanned journey, you plunge into the very depths of darkness, just like the Christ did, and then begin your own pilgrimage towards your center again--that place in you that carries the most light.  A heart that is broken and healed shines so much brighter than one that is whole and unsullied, because it has more cracks through which light and sun and joy can enter!  It knows more, feels more, grieves more, laughs more. It is just more! A resurrected heart gives more.

I think about the picture of pain I witnessed and feel so very deeply for that person but also am excited for the possibilities in his life.  He will never again be the same, but if he learns what he needs to learn and is able to understand and transform his deepest pain, I am so sure his life will be so much richer. It may seem impossible now, but there is light at the end of that tunnel. 

Once you find your way out of the rut and into that space of total understanding, you will never again be so weak and discouraged.  It's like decoding a language and unlocking one of life's greatest mysteries. Once you have the key, most of life's doors will be open to you.  So, yes, there is much light after heartbreak and it can be quite dazzling!