IMAGINE THAT

Eleven years ago today I became a mother for the first time. Before I became pregnant with Santiago, I was not sure I wanted to have children. I knew it was going to be difficult and that my life would not be the same, but after a long and unexpectedly difficult labor and birth, there he was.  My heart exploded, expanded and suddenly encompassed the world.  Until then, I did not know I had so much love in me. I was forever changed. Everything I have done since, I have done for him and, four years later, his brother Andres.

Every July 20, I celebrate both my son's birthday and my initiation into motherhood and infinite womanhood, because that is what it really is.  Nothing can stretch and shape you more than your children. Santiago is my teacher in so many ways.  He is sensitive, intense, incredibly intelligent, funny, and will not survive without a book. He is also the one who made me realize how much anger I carried within me and demanded that I recognize it.  Our children see and magnify that in us which needs to be worked through and will act and react to it until we have found the courage to face it.

There are days when I wonder how God could have possibly thought I could be a mother when I mostly fumble and err, then I count the passing of the years and am astounded that we are all still standing strong in love and joy despite our many trials.  At night when both my boys--no matter the strong and detached front they show me during the day--reach up to me for their nightly hugs and kisses, I am still amazed that they chose me despite my many weaknesses.

It is this faith and trust I feel I must live up to.  It is what pushes me to engage in the world and continue my life's task in PAGASA.  Eleven years ago today, I was born into the world of consciously living for others and despite the deluge of trials, I can only feel gratitude in my heart for the honor and privilege of having these two little boys to journey with.

MOI? POLITICS? NEVER!!!

At least that's what I said many years ago when an astrologer told me I would be part of a political force in the country. I naturally dismissed it because I assumed she was saying I would be in government.  Eleven years later,  I see what she meant.  I am still not in politics and still have no interest in running for office, but I am part of a cultural force that is addressing the political realm. That's very different from being "in politics".

That is what my work is with PAGASA.  I'm writing this because we had a PAGASA process for my children's school and I heard that a parent didn't participate because she thought it was "Panjee's foundation that had to do with politics".  PAGASA is a cultural movement that aims to create change in society by helping individuals realize how they are connected to the larger picture.

I understand why people are allergic to the word politics: it's ugly, dirty, and corrupt.  But our looking and staying away is also what allows it to become so. This doesn't mean we necessarily have to become politicians, but it does mean we have to become aware of the role we play in the larger society-- whether we like it or not, whether we move directly in the sphere of politics or not.  

I've been hearing some people speak about how ordinary, good citizens have to be bold and courageous enough to enter politics in order for change to take place in government.  But is that all that is needed?  We already know that the system--ancient and corrupt to the gills--is problematic and has a tendency to devour even the purest of soul and intention.  It is not enough to be good.  One must go in there with a full understanding of the complexity of the whole and with the inner strength that comes also with a full understanding of who he is as an individual, human being and Filipino.  You cannot go in there just with prayers, high hopes, and the best of intentions.

There are some civilians who are joining the political fray. I've heard some of them speak and though they are claiming to be bringing something new, they sadly still reek of traditional politics.  They speak and act like them, even though what they're saying may be different -- for now.  But when I listen to them, I know I cannot possibly vote for them.  I look at them, listen to what they're saying, how they're going about the change and I know that what they bring is not enough. 

It is our role as citizens of this country to engage in it fully. This doesn't mean running for office.  It means making an effort to understand the full picture and see how we fit and, therefore what we can do to effect change.  Because it is not a hopeless situation.  It is only hopeless when we give up or refuse to acknowledge the hope because we know that the situation demands something of each one of us.  We cannot live in oblivion and keep complaining.  We cannot keep pretending that we are not part of that muddy place called politics.  We are, for as long as we are citizens and residents of this country.  As long as the laws they make affect us, we are.  As long as the corruption keeps taking away what is rightfully ours, we are. We are part of the whole.

"There can be no tyrants where there are no slaves", that's what Jose Rizal said.  In today's context, we are the slaves by virtue of our silence and inaction.  We do not have to be angry all the time.  We do not have to go out into the streets again if that really does not resonate anymore.  But we do have to engage by trying to understand what all of this means in the history of our country and what it is asking of us today, especially if we brought children into this society who will one day inherit the mess.

PAGASA is one way of understanding the complexity of the situation and hopefully finding our place in it that we can move, heal and bring forward. Our children are depending on us to make their world right.  We cannot but rise to the challenge.

DISCERNMENT

That word is rife with meaning in our world of too much info.  Google anything and out comes a plethora of words, photos, reviews, ratings, videos, blogs, you name it. There's a lot of crap about me on the internet and I used to want to wring the neck of irresponsible people who just automatically think any information is accurate and needs to be disseminated.  But I'm calmer about that now as I know I don't really need to lift a finger for the same kind of energy to find its way back to them.

I've also received too much junk in my email about all kinds of things.  The latest assault came with disturbing graphic photos and the accompanying advice to wash newly bought underwear before wearing them because of flesh-eating bacteria that caused all kinds of terrible lesions and infections. First, that's common sense.  Please wash anything new before wearing it.  Next, how can we confirm that those photos were authentic, or that there's even an underwear-borne flesh-eating bacteria? I mean, really.  We have to be responsible about the information we unleash out there.

When I pointed out the above to the sender--someone I don't know but whose name and junk keep appearing in my mailbox--she said she didn't send me the junk and her mail was addressed to someone else, another person I didn't know.  Horrors!  Which brings me to my next point:  if you don't know the person, do not put them in your mailbox or feel you can keep sending them junk. Anonymity does not equal intimacy.  It is the opposite.  Online, we have to erect firm, inward boundaries and abide by them.

I have a few people in my circle who just love to forward junk. I simply ignore, ignore, ignore and really only answer personal email. In this world of "too much" what is needed is a clear path to less, to strive to be lean in everything--getting and imparting just what is needed, or just what is asked. The game is not about acquisition but discernment. 

Finally, this week, a friend forwarded a very strange and obviously bogus email from my mom, saying she was stranded in Africa somewhere and would need funds.  What was more surprising than the email were people's responses--doubt. "Is this for real?", they asked, when I took one look at it and knew it was bogus simply because of the content, tone, and flavor of the letter and not just because I knew my mother was in Makati.  I even got a text from someone I didn't really know saying it was urgent and she needed to speak with me about my mother. But I was in the middle of a workshop and instantly felt it might be related to the email.  I figured if there were a real emergency someone I knew would be calling me or Dale nonstop. During the break I asked if it might be about the bogus email and, indeed, that's what it was.  I would have been very upset if I had been interrupted because of that. Still I wondered why they even thought to check with me. Out of concern, perhaps, and I am grateful, but I still found the email so glaringly fake and immediately saw it for the scam that it was. But I had to laugh when I sent my mother a message saying I had read the email and she assured me she was in Makati and I needn't worry.  Even she gave it weight.

The Internet is a great tool, but like all modern conveniences, we must learn to use it responsibly.

Where Did The Time Go?

Wow. I can't believe how much time has passed since my last entry. Lots. I remember when I did my writing at night or on weekends, but now I seem to just pass out at the end of the day, at the first possible time.  My weekends have been largely spent on PAGASA, which has really taken on a life of its own, which brings me such joy and hope because it is clear that so many Filipinos are ready to be the change today. But of course it also leaves me slightly breathless and exhausted and needing more down time.  Used to be that my weekends were time for rest, but now they are when my work happens and then I jump into Monday when the bigger, physical, emotional, spiritual, cosmic work of being a mother begins again full blast. I often wonder how I manage but when the work is urgent and meaningful, everything seems to fall into place. Time collapses and you seem able to keep going despite your idea of your limitations. 

I have one more workshop coming this weekend, but I am inching my way back to my artistic home--writing--and I hope to be able to share more soon.

BUKAS NA!!

Please come to the festival on truth tomorrow.  This is a non-political, purely cultural celebration of truth and integrity. If you know anyone aged 16 to 29, encourage them to join the Philippine Vision Cafe. This is a great way for young people to get involved. Don't forget to click on the "Rizal and the Truth" poster on the sidebar.  Be there!!

I don't know why this poster is coming out so tiny, so please just click on it and view the details. At least try and come to meet Hartmut and hear him speak. He is a very special individual who was so much to share.  I hope to see you there.

What a Mess!

I went through every page of my newspaper today when a column title jumped out, "Don't Make A Mess In Your Own Backyard". I don't normally read that columnist anyway, but today I did. He was referring to the sexual harassment case filed by a young woman against an executive of a television network. The columnist said he hoped the network would handle it well and then continued to say, "I'm not a saint, but I have utmost contempt for fellow machos who make their female subordinates the object of their excess sexual energy. Why do they make a mess in their own backyard? Why can't they go elsewhere, if they have problems with their wives? Ang dami-daming babae sa labas, sa sarili mo pang bakuran ka magkakalat!"(Note: italics his)

These statements exemplify the Pinoy Macho (FROM HELL) mentality. He assumes that when men betray their wives, it is because they have problems with them. I say, men who betray their wives have problems. Period. And more likely, it is the wife who is at the receiving end of it. The problem is deeply rooted in integrity -- the healthy integration of soul, mind, body and more, in one physical body.  If you have a problem with your wife, is the solution to sleep with someone else? Are problems with wives all sexual in nature? Sexual problems do not have their origins in sex. But that isn't even the point. The columnist was basically saying that it's perfectly okay for married men to sleep with other women as long as they don't do it in "your own backyard".  

Am I the only one whose innards are twisting in fury? This is the kind of fragmentation that seems to lie at the core of our problems.  Ok lang magnakaw, basta magdasal at magsimba. Ok lang magsinungaling sa tao kasi lahat naman ng ginagawa mo, sa palagay mo, ay para din sa kanila. Ok lang na tumakbo ka kahit sinabi mo nang hindi ka tatakbo, e ganoon naman talaga ang politika. Ok lang ba? Ok ka lang?

Not for me and not for many others awakening to what it means to be truly human in the world today.  This means a conscious effort at integration which, in effect, eases out lies and dissonance.   A fully integrated human being cannot lie.  He cannot say one thing and do another.  It is not okay to make a mess in anyone's backyard, especially when you are hurting others, regardless of what the situation is.  You want to be with someone else? Be man enough to face the consequences.  Be man enough to tell your wife. Is it worth all the pain she and your children will carry for all time? These are questions that must be asked and answered.  

Let's not delude ourselves into thinking that infidelity is perfectly acceptable within defined parameters.  That is such a weak cop out.  Though I realize that most Filipino men live this way today, it is our task now (for the sake of future generations) to say that it is not okay at all. We need to show it and live it.  It is not okay to knowingly betray other people, no matter what the excuse.  We are human, yes, and we fall, but after that we know exactly what we need to do. We cannot excuse our bad behavior any longer. As we can all see today, these "permissible zones" are exactly what bring a country and its people to their greatest despair.

Talk about making a mess in your own backyard.