VIOLENCE AT THE VALLEY GOLF & COUNTRY CLUB

If you don't already know this story, check it out here: 

http://vicissitude-decidido.blogspot.com/2008/12/world-is-fucked-up.html

If you do, then you must be as angry and appalled as the rest of us. Yesterday, I went out for the first time since the Christmas holidays and found myself watching everyone extra carefully. That middle-aged man in shorts perusing the fruit could have been Mr. dela Paz. The bunch of men converging around the steaks could have been  the culprits. I found myself looking at everyone with a different eye, thinking how up close and personal everything really is. What happened to the dela Paz family could happen to any of us. I could rub someone the wrong way at the check-out counter and, just like that, become the topic of the next blog. And what then?

When terrible things happen, I always try to understand why by asking what the entire event really means in the largest possible picture. Clearly, it means something for the dela Paz family because their lives are forever changed. It ought to mean something to the Pangandaman family because their lives should and must be forever changed as well. But to the rest of us, all citizens who are currently acting and reacting in rage and sadness, it means something as well. And I feel the significance of this goes very deep into the relationship between individual and society. This is the question that plagues us all. This is the question of our country.

After we have written, texted and blogged about this horror, what? How do we move the sadness and anger into actions for change? It is a major wake-up call, but the end result--waking up and actually getting up--lies in our hands. Are we going to just blab about it, or are we going to make CHANGE move and animate us? How?

In our PAGASA workshops we do our darndest to establish first the very real connection between the individual and society. After all, society is nothing more than individuals together forming institutions, each one bigger than the other, each reflecting shared or dissonant values and worldviews. But most of us feel, in our day-to-day life, only the boundaries of what we see--our school, office or home--and thus become ever more disconnected to the larger reality of society and how our every thought and action actually contributes to that great whole, making us very much a part of it, whether we acknowledge the connection or not. Because we see only our separateness, we are able to live in apathy. We are able to say, "I will just do my own little thing in my own little corner and let everyone else take care of politics". We don't think about the big picture. We don't engage in it. We simply disassociate, severing any link or tie to that mud-and-gore drenched abyss. We continue to think small because we allow our sense of what we don't see to overwhelm us. And it is overwhelming. But it is not insurmountable if we all begin to move today in our lives, carrying the picture of how we must be bearers and agents of change.

Then we hear about the dela Paz family and everything comes home. Suddenly we feel the full weight of helplessness on our shoulders --and anger and fear and rage. All of it. Suddenly the tragedy connects us again. But it isn't just the rage and anger that connect us, but our shared destiny as a people. We must revel in that and have the power of that reality live in us. It is the thing that will move us into productive action again. It gives us the goal we so need--not one more thing to fight against. Our shared destiny as Filipinos is the thing to fight for.

Our destiny as a people is not to be bullied by people in office who shouldn't even be there to begin with. It is not just their country; it is ours. But until we take that possiblity right back into our hands, we are effectively giving it up again and allowing these monsters to take control. That Pangandaman Sr. motored (or maybe even flew) to Baguio to join the Arroyo party and was, by his telling, simply asked by Mrs. Arroyo about the incident, speaks volumes. This brand of bullying has not just become par for the course under her administration; it has become blatant. Because we have allowed every scandal to go unchecked, allowed her to stay in office, allowed our rage to peter out, every bully feels superhuman and supremely untouchable. They all feel completely immune to the law. They feel they are the law and they will do what they will with it. 

"When will it be enough?" This has been asked in so many of the threads on this latest trapo display of injustice.  It will only be enough when we say it is. When we start connecting the daily things we say and do to the larger concerns of our country and stop saying "E, wala naman akong magagawa at wala namang magbabago." The truth is, so much can be done once we've all decided to be the change we want to see.  If everyone stopped being morally lazy, our country would change.  If we simply take a moment, right now, to see what in our lives we ought to change that mirrors the greater corruption in our society, so much would already move. What part of our lives need to be made straight? Which areas are a reflection of the Valley Golf incident?  In what ways have we mimicked or contributed to the same energy? Is corruption, in any form, living in your home and what are you doing about it? 

The world is at a turning point.  Obama won.  We are at the beginning of what could be the worst global recession yet. Everywhere, things are coming to a head. What is really being asked of us as human beings who inhabit and co-create this world?  The Valley Golf incident is but one wake-up call and it is coming closer and closer to home. Unless we start living in full recognition of how each of us is a major player in the destiny of our people and our country, these stories will only get worse.

Each time we look to the world for answers, we need to look into ourselves with questions. This is one way of making sure we behave responsibly and actively wherever we are, never falling into the trap of finger-pointing, but situating ourselves first and determining how we can create and co-create a better future.

MEET JUANA CHANGE:FIXER

MEET JUANA CHANGE: CHA-CHA

Good Work

I started doing our laundry after my helpers broke our washing machine for the nth time several years ago. I haven't stopped and our washer hasn't conked out since. When I built my house, I made sure the laundry room was upstairs, right next to my study.  I have to say it is one of my most-used spaces! Since I've taken over this task, our clothes are lasting longer, nothing turns pink, shrinks or is damaged. Everything lasts longer, my whites don't ever turn gray, and the delicates are always nicely cared for.

My friends laugh at my thing for laundry but to me it's one of the most therapeutic household chores!  I love putting a load in and waiting for the dirt to rise, knowing everything will come out clean, renewed and ready for another round of living.  It is truly one of my joys.

Folding laundry is another zen experience for me and is a sort of review of my life.  I can tell so much about the week just from the clothes I fold.  I remember with a pang of relief that a child was sick (and is well at last), because of the unusual amount of pajamas I had to wash.  I can sense how roughly my children played in school by the pile of extra shirts and clothes I am taking extra time to fold.   I also feel that I am putting my touch on their clothes, getting in there in ways that will hold them when they are not with me. It is a quiet time full of stories told and untold--yet another way of holding my family close.

Some people have looked at my laundry room and me in awe, as if it were such an impossible tandem, but my household chores ground and calm me.  They put me right at the center of my family, so that no matter how badly the day goes, how imperfect or short-tempered I was, I know that I am there still, right where I need to be.  I know that my children will feel my care everywhere--there in the food they eat, there in the clean clothes they wear.

Housework is good work. I am happy that my hands are able to care for my boys and I know that they will grow up with a fuller sense of what it means to have a family.

GIVING

November 30 will be the first Advent Sunday. So begins our journey towards Christmas. Already the air is changed; the quality of darkness is smooth and thick as velvet.

Everywhere we turn we are enveloped by the feeling of anxiety over the worldwide economic crisis.  We are all feeling the pinch, one way or another.  I have written before that there is a positive aspect to this crisis; it pushes us towards the essence of things.  What do we really need? What ought we give?

I see this Christmas as the beginning of clear and conscious spending and giving--not just for the season but for the years to come.  Because money is tight all around, we have to be more aware of where we put it and to be vigilant that our attitude towards it doesn't become one of contraction. On the contrary, I feel it necessary to keep this energy of money moving but in positive and meaningful ways.  Let's put our money behind initiatives we want to thrive and flourish in the world.

I plan to make a list of people and things I would like to truly support next year and allocate whatever funds I may have already--in the beginning of the year--so that I am not blindsided by requests for help towards one thing or the other, mostly at the expense of my personal budget. Even in our giving habits, we have to be clear and organized! I have found myself giving towards something I didn't plan on and then ending up with a personal deficit.  That's not healthy either. Part of conscious spending is keeping yourself in a position where you don't have to scramble and panic because you didn't leave enough for yourself.

You can make birthdays and Christmases all about giving to the projects you want to see happen and then just make--handmade is better--a card for whoever is having a birthday, reflecting your donation and a short description of the initiative, that may inspire that person to give as well. In other words, we shift the emphasis from the material to the spiritual-material.  This is money well spent.

This economic crisis can bring us into healthier relationships with money, spending and giving, if we just put more thought and heart into what we have and what we want to make happen in our communities and the world around us. It is not a time to hoard but to make sure that we participate in the conscious movement of whatever we have--now more than ever--towards our greater reality.  We do not have to give huge amounts, but whatever little extra we have can go towards that energy of including more individuals and communities in the changes that we need to make happen, possibly through courses that individuals can take to sharpen their skills--as teachers, parents, caregivers--however the opportunities present themselves in your life.  We also have to put a stop to saying yes, just because we are being led by our emotions. This is a time for bringing true form and discipline in the energy of gift-giving, saying yes to those initiatives you truly believe in and no to those that do not resonate.

Everyone has something to give towards change.  This is a wonderful time to put all your talents to true use and this begins by owning all the talents you have and deciding to put it to use for others.  Our concept of wealth has to shift from "money" to everything else that really matters. Money is not the only things that makes this world go round.  This financial crisis is proof of its destructive nature. Now, more than ever, we have to honor abundance where it has always been, discarding thoughts and feelings of scarcity that will truly manifest if we persist.

This crisis can be the very thing that can bring balance into the world at last. Let us do our share by making things right where we are and begin to give clearly and consciously towards initiatives that will create the changes we so want to see in the world.

PINOY!!!!

I've never been attached to labels. Why spend megabucks (enough to send kids to school, feed multiple families, or do other much needed,  life-giving work in the world) for anything that has someone else's name or trademark on it? I couldn't live with myself.  I guess my weaknesses lie elsewhere.  But for innovations like these, I do my share and spread the word. 

Say hi to the "Maria" collection--so proudly Pinoy. I own a Sili Labuyo, which I will be collecting soon, courtesy of my sister, Tam, who conceptualized and designed the bags! Brilliant! I know, nepotism and all that, but really it's a great product and I would have featured it here even if the genius behind it didn't share my blood. Just so happens we do.

There are other designs as well but for some reason I'm unable to post all of them at this time. This is merely the first blush.  As we speak, other products in the line are on the way.  For now, make sure you get yourself a bag that says something!  Why say LV (all over the bag!)when you can say something more interesting like Kalachuchi, Dalandan or Suha?? (Yup, the line has those, too). Check them out at the Global Pinoy Bazaar on Cuenca St., Ayala Alabang Village on October 18 & 19, the Urban Bazaar at the Rockwell tent on October 24 & 25 and at the Assumption Bazaar at the Intercon on November 23.  You can also email your orders to tamilabags@gmail.com.

AGING IS LIFE!

I was recently interviewed about aging in the October issue of Marie Claire. I declined at first because they said it was about defying age and I don't do that; I embrace it. I thought I would be left alone after that, but it turns out they wanted that perspective, too. It was just going to be a sidebar so the interview was edited.  I print it here in full:

Was there ever a time in your life when you became anxious about getting old?  If yes, how old were you when you started to feel that anxiety, and exactly what was it about getting old that had you worried?

No. The closest I would get to this kind of anxiety was related to my life's task: What if I never figure out what my life is about? What if I do not fulfill my task? Any anxiety I have now about the future has more to do with my security, or raising my children the right way, but I have never felt anxious about getting old. I am more worried about becoming irrelevant.

Why did you choose to let nature take its course instead of using products and treatments to fight the effects of aging on physical appearance?  Why do you think the natural way is the better way?

Because I believe in working on myself from the inside out and I also believe in honoring the physical body/face I was born with. That comes from nature, from God. I don't think it's meant to be fought. It's not like I'm not taking care of myself. I do,but I use organic and biodynamic products, body oils, etc.I have a cleansing and moisturizing routine, but I do this all for well-being rather than vanity and I definitely do not do it to "fight" aging. Our outer appearance has everything to do with our inner condition--what we eat (organic or not, the general quality of our food), the thoughts we think, the way we handle emotions, whether we live with joy or bitterness, how we move, how well we care for ourselves in general--and I think that is the more meaningful approach to life. If you work on being healthy in thought, word and deed, your physical body will follow. When people say I look younger than my age I figure they must be seeing something else because physically, it is clear to me that I have aged. It all boils down to what you think your life is about and how you choose to live your life in the world.  I choose to live in harmony with nature; anything that is not natural is costing the earth and those of us who live in it.

How did you develop this transcendent mindset that allowed you to wholeheartedly embrace the process of aging, and all the lines and wrinkles that come with it?  What do you tell yourself that maybe other women can also put in their own minds so they will be more at peace with getting older?

It's about asking the right questions about your life, I suppose. If one is terrified about aging, why?  If one has the need to look outwardly young, why?  Perhaps there was something one needed to go through in their youth but didn't, and there might be an inner yearning that, because it is unexamined, is manifesting itself in a different way? What needs to be healed -- made whole again--in your life, so that you can move forward and not cling to an ideal that is no longer you or for you? Aging is a wonderful thing if you have lived your life fully at every stage. I certainly do not want to go back to the pain and angst--though necessary--of the thirties, even if I was physically in better shape and was closer to that elusive ideal of society. That had to be. Today I'm noticing that though my looks are definitely changing and I definitely do not have as much energy as before, my thighs have that extra jiggle (which my boys love!!), and I'm seeing some white hair, something inside me and also in my thinking is opening up and awakening.  Sometimes I feel like my brain is actually changing because I am beginning to think differently and I am starting to have a relationship with the world that was not possible before and this necessitates a certain softening of the body. This means change in my whole being. I think it is exciting! Of course there are days when I look at my body and think I should exercise more, but it doesn't rule my life. I love what is happening to me on a different level. It is a welcoming of the passage of time and all the wonderful gifts they bring. I love seeing people who are aging gracefully. I've seen so many beautiful old people and I marvel at the many stories of life, pain, love and joy that are expressed in their physicality. Why edit that? To me, life is a conscious striving and moving forward--a journey towards the future--not the past. The task is too meet that with grace. Isn't that what it means to be human?

(photo of Ifugao woman by Dale Diaz)

ABUNDANCE NOT SCARCITY

That's what I remind myself almost daily.  I have to consciously leap from one perspective to the next (latter to former, of course, thanks to a lifetime of programming). Most of us live from the point-of-view of scarcity, of not having enough or being enough, always being short, substandard, seeing what's wrong and never what's working-- and that creates a ripple of energy that boomerangs right back at us, thereby fulfilling the prophecy.

The world is in an economic crisis now;  all we see is lack or impending lack.  We're seeing difficult times, lean times, cutting back, scrimping, saving, sacrificing, denying ourselves, doing without, doing with much less. What we see is doom and fear. But is this inevitable? 

This economic crisis is a tremendous opportunity for the world to shift at last. We are a world of uber-consumers. We keep changing, adding, multiplying, accruing, accumulating, consuming, upgrading, buying, buying, buying.  This is our opportunity to look at what we really have and surprise ourselves as we change the lens from "scarce" to "enough" and, perhaps, even more than enough.

I struggle with this everyday.  I grew up in an environment of "not enough", though I don't remember ever going hungry.  We always had what we needed. We did okay, though there is this buzz I inherited from who-knows-where, that made me view the world through the lens of scarcity. I got a sound education (though not Ivy League which, in hindsight, feels like a blessing)and certainly was given enough to make something of myself after, if not in the realm of mainstream success then in other, more personally relevant ways.  Yet I'm having to undo this feeling of scarcity that seems to have been ingrained in me.  I work on it because I don't want my children to inherit it. You can have everything material you could possibly need or want, but if you come from a place of seeing only scarcity, you will feel just that.  I don't want that for them.

I've stopped looking at money--or everything it can buy--to survey my life.  It's not how much money I have in the bank anymore but my ability to meet my family's needs that is the better measure.  Am I able to fulfill my needs and theirs when necessary?  So far, yes!  There have been months that were tight but always, always, something comes up to cover just what I need. And that to me is abundance! It has nothing to do with what I have but my ability to make the most of it when I need it.  It's also because I see that I am able to fulfill so many needs that have nothing to do with material wealth, but inner resources. It's almost miraculous.

I find that when I am engaged in the sharing of my inmost self, I am better able to feel and see abundance in my life. But when I am thinking and moving out of an inner space that is not generous in nature (and I'm not necessarily talking material wealth here), then I feel helpless and afraid of the future and all that brings.  Scarcity is often a fear that is connected to the future, not the past, that's why it's paralyzing.  Abundance is now!  And if we stop and survey our lives, I'm sure that we have more reason to feel abundance than scarcity.  

I just need to look at my garden and the clear blue sky above, inhale the fresh air that envelops me daily and I know it!  I see my children savoring whatever simple meal I managed to whip up for them and it is there again. This doesn't mean my fears are gone forever. They are not. I still hope for a lot of things in my life to fall into place and there's still that nagging thought..."when I....then I will truly feel abundant....", but since I've tried to make the feeling of abundance a regular and conscious practice, I find that I am able to trust the unknown more and see, with clear eyes, everything that I truly have today. And if I view my life from that window of clarity, I see a lot.  When I view it from the view of fear and projected need, I see scarcity.

So many people envied my life before.  Someone even said my story was like a fairy tale. But it wasn't.  I have so much less materially today but my life is so much truer and fuller, in every sense of the word, and all that has to do with the quality of faith I put in my inner life and a powerful commitment towards integration, rather than my external circumstances. These are the tools I hang on to and they are the ones that have brought me true feelings of abundance. They allow me to take the long and wide view.

I know women who look longingly at designer bags and shoes, watches, jewelry, cars, vacations--each one a peg towards fulfillment and I just know how very disappointed and empty they will feel at each turn.  They may end up with closets full of these things but abundance still won't be there.  It is somewhere else entirely.  I've seen women parading in town already adorned with all these trappings, but I've also seen how they stare forlornly into space. I know people who are crazy wealthy but use their wealth to hurt others in subtle but vicious ways and I know that there is a big crater of a void in them where true and living abundance ought to be. 

We don't have to be wealthy to live in abundance; we only have to be able to see and appreciate everything we've already been given and trust that we have what it takes to have our true needs met.  All we need to do today is change the lens from which we view life.  And then allow ourselves to be amazed and grateful for everything that is already there.

SOCIAL HYGIENE

What is it? To me, it is keeping social spaces clear of unwarranted clutter. And this begins with keeping conversations and correspondence private.  Unless the exchange happens in an e-group or is spoken aloud within a group, one must assume that any information traded is private. That is social hygiene.  Once you start passing information along that was not meant for others, you begin to clutter space, create conflict and ill will.

Especially today where information can be passed along so quickly, we must learn to create firmer boundaries.  As recipients and bearers of information, we must be quick about assessing ourselves in relation to the information we find ourselves privy to.

I have to remind myself about this constantly because it is so easy to get sucked into the vortex of information-sharing when you assume certain boundaries are present.  So you lay your thoughts and feelings wide open only to find out that the only boundaries present were yours. Your information was passed along without the benefit of your context. Already, a different story is born, shrouded in the context and emotions of its new and self-appointed bearer. And that is how cracks begin in relationships.  To me, such experiences are lessons in trust and I learn them quickly. We all should.

If something of consequence emerges in a conversation or through correspondence and you feel others would benefit from it, the best thing to do is ask permission from the source.  Is it okay to forward the email?  Is it okay to relay the message? Is it okay to repeat the story outside of this circle?  It is such a simple gesture, really, but one that shows great respect for the thoughts and feelings of others. It is hygienic!  It doesn't create conflict but rather opens the windows for light to shine through.  What a difference that makes. It is straightforward, clear, and in no way creates false perceptions about people and events, simply because you honored the source.

We are all guilty of this.  When we feel friendships have deepened and important experiences shared, we open up and begin to trade information casually, assuming that everyone will respect what is being said.  There are people in my circle I trust and have trusted for decades and they have not disappointed.  So I relax and assume that most people share the same sensibilities. It isn't so. In this day of information craziness, we have to be much more careful and stricter with our personal boundaries.  Practicing social hygiene is a show of respect we must all strive for.  The health and survival of our communities depend on it.

The Tree

Many years ago when my firstborn was barely walking, I carried the beginnings of an inner turbulence. There was a heaviness in me that would not sink.

One morning, very much aware of the growing heaviness in me, I found myself flying low over Metro Manila.  Right below me was a wide expanse of fiery red-orange blossoms of this--the African Tulip Tree.  I was admiring the strength and boldness of this tree and the magnificence of the view--row upon row of bright orange blooms jutting out of the vast green. It was doing something inside me that was confusing at the time. But there was crazy motion around my heart and solar plexus.  At that moment I very distinctly heard the phrase, "Find your voice."  The message was audible. It was in me and yet unspoken by me and it was clear as day.

Years later, in what feels like a new life carved out of the old, I find myself steward of such a tree.  It is the one major tree my lot came with and I only realized what it was when it started to bloom for me.  The tree sits squarely in the center of my view from the bedroom--something I could not have planned, but there it is.

Almost a week ago, my children were somewhere in it and my youngest fell from one of its branches. That moment was one of those heart-in-your-throat motherhood moments. Everything was in slow motion.  But save for the shock, my little boy was fine.  It is now his tree, too.  It was after that incident that I began piecing together the significance of this tree in my life.

For the first time in my biography, I feel that I am finding my voice.  It is not complete and not always heard, but I feel that it is already gaining resonance.  I look back on that moment I heard the message and know that it was grace. From there the journey was painful, nearly unbearable, but today looking at this tree across my bedroom, I see how very necessary everything was and how important it is to take heed and listen to the very depths of our being and be open to the images around us always.  If we are awake to it, we will find that the world constantly speaks to us.

The African Tulip Tree is my daily reminder that I am constantly held in grace if I would only be still and accept it.

CHANGE

So many of us were touched by the sight of Barack Obama addressing a crowd of 84,000.  He was accepting the Democratic nomination for the presidency.  It was an awesome sight: 84,000 people passionate for CHANGE.  Wouldn’t that be something to see here?

For once I was envious of the American people—to have the possibility of a leader who was inspiring them to tears—aaahhhh, I want that so badly I can taste it!!  And then, for Obama as a candidate, to have 84,000 people who care enough to show up and listen to him, show their support and desire for true change.  That must be something. 

It made me green with envy to hear him tackling issues and outlining his solutions and to realize how far behind we are because we’re not even at a point where we can talk about these things.  We’re in the space of possibility and clawing our way forward, trying to awaken people still from their cynicism and apathy.  In America, people care and they stand up to be heard and they fight for what they think is right.

In our country the terrain is quite different. I still stumble across people who wear their apathy with pride. “I am apathetic,” they announce, as if that were a badge of intellect or breeding, and then in the same breath say that they are Christian. Am I the only one who sees the glaring dissonance in that picture?  Christ, himself, cared and brought change. He died for it.  It pains me daily to see how people can live so contentedly in that dissonance.

Since I began this journey towards truth and integrity, I have seriously started falling away from friends, not because we’ve fought but perhaps because they feel I am not who I used to be.  I can almost feel them flinch when they open their mailboxes and see a message from me, afraid of what I may be asking them to do.  And they are right. I care.  It is in my blood. And I am doing my best to make a difference. Though I wish we could all take that road together, we haven’t. But I cannot turn back.  I cannot put the eye mask on and feign darkness when the light outside is glaringly bright.  Once you are awake, you simply cannot go back to sleep and I have had my heart broken thinking that people I know and love will naturally see how important it is for all of us to live the truth—and all that means.  Living the truth isn’t just about truth-telling but moving consciously towards oneness with Divine Will in everything we do.

No, it is not an easy path and I don’t claim to be the expert.  Like everyone else, I am a student on this path. In my zeal to be the change I want to see in the world, I have risked and lost friendships, because I could not be the same person.  But I have come to that point in my biography where I make a stand everyday and so I see these changes as necessary deaths.  I can no longer sit and let things be.  When I see dissonance and see how it can potentially hurt everyone around it, I speak up.  At least I say my piece and then leave people free to act upon it or ignore me. But my days of standing nowhere are over.

During our PAGASA workshops, this sentiment always comes up: “I want to see change in this country, maybe not in my lifetime but….” And I cannot but counter it with my own burning desire to see it in my lifetime.  I insist on it.  In the course of several exchanges another phrase comes up: “In my own little way….” And it grates.  We all need to stand in confidence as human beings that we are made in the image and likeness of God and fly with that.  No, this is not Messianic, not if we understand it fully.  In our very nature is our capacity to birth great things – things that transform the world.  But if we limit ourselves already in our thinking that our ways are little, then that is what they will be.  Our thoughts do create our realities.  You cannot say you are Christian and then in the same breath make yourself so small and powerless in your own eyes, for I am sure that is not how you were created.  That is not in His image or likeness. 

CHANGE, the kind the American people are birthing, is in our hands. All we need to do is accept the challenge in full consciousness and commitment, despite the hardship it will bring because change necessitates death—of our old beliefs, friendships, relationships, habits.  Only through death can new life enter and that is what our country needs—Filipinos who are willing to die – not physically anymore –but inside them and in the most difficult and hard to reach places, so that new impulses of true change can emerge. 

The days of deluding ourselves into believing that there are necessary evils toward the place of ultimate good are long gone.  No, you are not doing a good deed if you decide to have a fixer process your papers because you figure she’s probably a mother and could use the money.  No, you are not providing livelihood at least, even if you know that your business is illegal or detrimental to the health of humanity and the world.  You are not being a paragon of integrity if you know that what you are bringing into society is not good for it!  It is time to act on the things you know deep in your very being are true. The beginning of authentic change starts right at the point where you say, “No more excuses” and take the road that has long been waiting for the blessing of your determined footprints.  It is not the high road.  It is simply the one that will bring you to your highest space—the space you were born to claim. It is time.

Change does not happen automatically.  Humanity moves to create it.  America is at a turning point in its history—checkered, imperfect, materialistic, dissonant as it is—because its people have an opinion and take a stand despite their differences.  They demand things of their leaders. They insist on being heard.  They will not be made weak and they refuse to be unheard. 

We can get there, too, once we realize that it is in our hands.  A person is not more powerful because he has more money or holds office in government.  True power lies in an authentic ability to be the change we want to see, no matter our station in life.  We hold that change in us, but now we have to buckle down and get to work, clean out the cobwebs of our minds and activate our sleeping limbs towards action.  Every act we put out there towards change is vital.  No one is little.  We will see it in our lifetime if we want to, if we choose to.  We can stand before an inspiring leader of moral integrity if we make space in our hearts and in society for one to step up. We can only do that if we become the change.  We need to become it and live it, then we can demand it and create a strong support base for effective, moral leaders to take their place at last.

In our lifetime we are constantly and repeatedly called to act on something that we know in our hearts to be vital, not just for us, but towards something greater than us, but we often ignore that call because it means giving up so much and entering a largely unknown terrain.  It is terrifying.  But not going there time after time also creates a world of darkness and we must realize that each time we ignore that call, we are laying one more dense brick on that muddy structure, thereby allowing more fear and horror to blossom in the world.

Change will come wholesale if individuals stand up and take their rightful place in it. There are workshops about inner change, self-help books galore, therapies, life coaches, all kinds of modalities you can imagine, but none of that will do anything if the individual has not made the stand to take up everything he has learned and move from the realm of ideas to the realm of vision in action.  We lament that this or that workshop didn’t work or wasn’t effective enough, but we hardly ask ourselves if we even made an effort to use what we learned in the world and made it our own—something relevant, living, vibrant and transformative.  No one can create change for you.  Only you can do it.  Only you will have the strength to make it work.  Only you can wake up from the inner laziness and fear that keeps you from marching forward and claiming the country you want and deserve.

CHANGE is in your hands.  Imagine the possibilities.  The time for lamenting what could be is gone.  The time for living so comfortably in constant defeat is done. Our time is the time of CREATING change.  Are we going to rise to that call at last or continue shedding tears at the sight of Obama and the awesome show of commitment to change the American people are showing the world?

The days of wearing your apathy with pride are over.  We don’t have to agree on everything and unite on one generic image of nationhood.  But we can agree to birth a Philippines of moral integrity and be that very change we will see in our lifetime.  If we enliven the power that is already in us and stop saying, “in my own little way” or “probably not in this lifetime”, we can.

Change is ours to create.  It is ours.

KNOWLEDGE

I pledge never to turn my back on it.  There are many people I've come to admire through my PAGASA work because they are no longer young, are quite accomplished, but who come to us not just impart wisdom, but truly listen to what everyone has to say with openness, respect, even awe and gratitude. We've met PhDs who come because they want to learn more, not because they think they are the sole bearers of knowledge.  What a contrast to people who've spent so many years in school but can't seem to hold their lives together because their education, instead of setting them freer in the world, has trapped them in outdated concepts and ideas of what it means to be human--if they even took that up.

I want to grow old always seeking--and never thinking that I don't need to know more or worse, that I know it all.Horrors. I want to grow more open in my old age and more willing to listen to others and still be excited about learning something new, no matter what I've been through, seen and heard in my lifetime.

It's healthy to strive to keep learning, the older we get.There is nothing more admirable than seeing someone age so beautifully and so well, not fighting time with bad behavior and terrible fashion choices, but riding its passage with grace and an ever-widening openness to what the changing world has to offer. I would hate to grow old and so set in my ways that nothing new could move me. I want to be able to excitedly shout, HEY!, to a great new idea fluttering into my still changing brain from someone young and still coming into being.  I want to be constantly excited about what the next generations bring without ever feeling regret or envy or the need to look like that again. I don't want to be irrelevant, please God, not that.  I want to have the energy to know more each day and the mental agility to move into something new with grace and confidence.

Learning requires openness, humility, grace, determination, discipline,  an ability to awaken oneself, receptivity and a nose that isn't sniffing invisible competition somewhere in the ether. May we all take that hunger into our twilight years, constantly challenging ourselves to take in and give, take in and give, until at last, our time is up.

PURE SEX

The phrase came to me in the context of sex without love. Pure sex. I actually think the opposite--that sex with love is pure sex.  Not even pure in the sense of "clean"which Pinoys always love to throw into the equation, but whole and unsullied; as it should be.

The question was: is it possible to have "pure sex" without love? Given my definition, no.  But in the context in which it was asked (sex without love)I would have to say, yes, it is more than possible. But the question begs: WHY?

Everyone who has had sex with someone who was not fully engaged in heart, mind and body, or who wasn't fully there himself, knows that it leads to greater hunger and desperation. But what is the quality of that hunger and what will truly satisfy it?  We search for it constantly in the realm of the physical, but it isn't there at all.  (A better lover won't do it, either.)  If only physical satisfaction is met, the hunger to experience the true essence of sex grows because what we end up feeling is what was not there that should have been. But if there is a working towards integration of one's highest self and the sexual self, then a space is created for an authentic convergence within, which to me is a necessary ingredient towards a truly full relationship with another.  Then the experience is whole and finally, truly satisfying.

Every person goes through his own battle in the often muddy and misunderstood realm of sexuality. It is a minefield we all must traverse.  But if we paid attention to our feelings, reactions, questions--in mind, body and soul--before, during and after our sexual encounters (with loved or not-so-loved partners)and we are honest with ourselves about it, so much would be revealed.  Really, I feel that the physical coming together ought to come when everything else has come together.  It is the ideal, at least, and worth striving for. 

If we truly paid attention to our authentic feelings, we would realize that the ideal path to a healthy and vibrant sexuality is often already lit but because something in us senses that it is going to be difficult, we choose to close our eyes and go back to sleep instead, afraid of what the journey demands. But what we don't realize is that at the end of all the thrashing, tripping, falling and peeling of painful layers, is that person who is able to integrate his sexuality and spirituality and have fantastic sex in the context of love at last. Pure sex. And after that, the turmoil subsides and new, deeper questions arise that encompass the greater world at last.  But to get there means swimming in the uncharted waters of our soul and spiritual life and stepping up, with full courage, to what that means.

Sex is not just physical. I believe that the physical body is only the portal, so the work of understanding sex is elsewhere in and around us: in our thoughts, soul and spiritual lives, in the world and in the same elements in our partners.

It is a lifetime of work, of that I am convinced, but being conscious of our spirtuality and sexuality, first as individuals, and then in the context of true partnerships, I am hopeful we will come to experience pure sex as the physical expression of love between two (striving to be)integrated human beings who have finally learned that sexuality is a fine and divine expression of their spirituality.

 

HEARTBREAK

I was watching heartbreak at close range very recently. It was difficult to see; the strength of it made me want to look away.  It was so palpable, so very fresh still.

I was asked a lot of questions and so had to think through certain things with a view I wish I had many years ago. When the big love of your life can no longer be, what then? First: life goes on. The worst thing about it is you don't actually die. You think you will every hour, but you don't. Somehow, you continue to live. When you have children that is very easy to do. You have to. You get up in the morning, make an effort to create rhythm and love for them, even if you barely know how to do it all. You laugh still, but it doesn't seem to come from your belly or your heart, maybe your spleen, your liver? You are alive but you are not. But you manage. You get through one meal and then the next, sleepless nights turn to good-sleep nights and before you know it, time has passed.  But do you really heal?

I believe we all heal, with a lot of work, anger, grief, acceptance, time and love, we all do.  But I also feel that we must remember that our hearts are not the sum of that one love and that one love ought not define future loves.  In one life and in that one heart are unfathomable, still unexplored possibilities. Will we ever stop loving one person? Perhaps not completely. We may develop other feelings for them--not all of them good or healthy--but in time that love evolves as well, into something different.  As it should.

But our hearts are big, creative and alive enough to enable us to love others and love differently.  I do not believe you can love the same way ever again--and perhaps we shouldn't, so there is no point comparing.  We are evolving everyday and so everything about us changes. It is healthy to look forward and ahead and use our past only as firm ground for the journey ahead.

Heartbreak, in any form, can be a straight road towards our greater humanity and that's why it is so painful. After that, you can never be the same.  On this often unplanned journey, you plunge into the very depths of darkness, just like the Christ did, and then begin your own pilgrimage towards your center again--that place in you that carries the most light.  A heart that is broken and healed shines so much brighter than one that is whole and unsullied, because it has more cracks through which light and sun and joy can enter!  It knows more, feels more, grieves more, laughs more. It is just more! A resurrected heart gives more.

I think about the picture of pain I witnessed and feel so very deeply for that person but also am excited for the possibilities in his life.  He will never again be the same, but if he learns what he needs to learn and is able to understand and transform his deepest pain, I am so sure his life will be so much richer. It may seem impossible now, but there is light at the end of that tunnel. 

Once you find your way out of the rut and into that space of total understanding, you will never again be so weak and discouraged.  It's like decoding a language and unlocking one of life's greatest mysteries. Once you have the key, most of life's doors will be open to you.  So, yes, there is much light after heartbreak and it can be quite dazzling!

MANAGING SPACE

How do you hold space?  I developed a sense and awareness of this when I became a mother. Children need you to hold the space around them in a conscious way.  When the children are very little and are acting up, a conscious mother will look within, gather herself and try to "hold the space" in a different way so that the children feel the shift and manifest the subtle movement in their behavior.  And they mostly do.

I think about this again because I am just coming out of attending a flurry of lectures, workshops and masses and the importance of "holding space" became more and more apparent over the weeks. During our masses or services, for example, some people would enter the room and sit in the silence, preparing themselves for what was to come.  And then others would come in and begin to whisper loudly, text, fidget, thereby creating cracks in the stillness that others were trying to hold in and around themselves in preparation for the Sacrament.  What was their perception of that space and how did each person choose to hold himself in it?

At another lecture, people were coming in and out, standing, sitting, shifting, taking things from the little refrigerator behind the speaker, and generally treating the space and what was happening in it,  in what I personally felt was a rather casual approach. 

This is also why I hate being late.  During one of these lectures, traffic was impossible. I am always early or on time but traffic was heavier than heavy that day and it took us nearly two hours to get to Makati from home. So I walked into the lecture 30 minutes late and I really felt I broke into something that was already being formed by the speaker and everyone who managed to come on time and were holding this space in silence, for thoughts and pictures to flow through.  When you agree to be part of something, what are you truly responsible for? The minute we say "yes" to something, we become part of it. It is not just the speaker's task, for example, to ensure that he does his part. It is our task to create the right space to receive what is being offered, not just for ourselves but for the others who have taken it upon themselves to be part of the activity.

A room is more than just a physical space.  Events can be celebrated more deeply if people who participate in them carry this intention of "holding space" with reverence, respect, quiet, consciousness, and inner strength.  It is a sign of respect for the space and what everyone in it is trying to bring forth.  It is also a conscious way of building community as it can only happen if we are all aware of each other and are willing to carry each other through.

BIRTHDAYS

I have been trying to instill in my children a way of celebrating life's milestones that is simple and heartfelt.  In this age of "more" and "big", I feel that it is the parents' task to show the way towards "enough" and "just right"--to give presents that bring joy but also not to overdo it and have the birthday be about the accumulation of material things.

It is not as easy as it seems as others are oblivious to this call.  In today's context, it seems we have lost our sense of how to celebrate. No matter how hard I try, my children end up having more of a birth-month than a birth-day, what with people surprising them with their own versions of celebrations and presents trickling in.  Before you know it the day itself is long gone but vestiges of misplaced sentiments abound. I have encouraged relatives from far away to send a card rather than an actual present, because it's good for the kids to get wishes that are not accompanied by presents, but I don't always get my way. 

In today's world of too much, we really have to think of our every action for the sake of our children.  We have to ask ourselves what birthdays really mean and how we would like our children to view the passage of time, their coming into being, their sense of what their lives are about. Whenever I hear about lavish birthdays for little children, I cringe.  What is that really teaching the child about himself and the world?  One has only to think of the expense and already something feels terribly wrong, already a picture of a very material world is presented to them and there they are, in the middle of all the attention.  

I have only celebrated "big" twice in my conscious life: at sixteen, which doesn't really count, and then again at 35, when I was at the threshold of a monumental change.  I had my then closest friends around me and some family members whom I felt had always seen and respected me for who I was.  We weren't even 30 all together, so by current standards it wasn't even big.  But the celebration was about something--not just about me celebrating my birthday--but a conscious coming out of my authentic self.  It was the year after 9/11 and I felt I simply could not live my life the same way anymore.  So I celebrated.  I didn't know then that I had opened the door to my future.  My life today shows what it was I so needed to birth.

I want my children to have a sense of celebrating from deep within them and I want them to know it need not and should not be extravagant.  I personally blow up their balloons the night before their birthdays and I delight in the effort!  I don't fill up the whole house with them, nor do I do anything elaborate.   I always have flowers, candles, and a birthday story or verse the night before and the morning of the special day.  But I never have hordes of people we don't know or a table dedicated to presents they might receive. There are no food carts or extravagant giveaways somebody else assembles for me.  Never that. We recognize that the day is special.  It is a remembering and a looking forward.

I never celebrate BIG and truly have difficulty participating in such events.  On my 35th birthday, the closest I came to giving a speech was reading something I had written as my friends, family and I sat around my garden.  It was a life-altering statement of where I needed to go from that day forward--in truth, always.  A friend sang for me and my other friends joined in.  But I didn't plan to have a show.  I needed to do that then and I think, for my life, that will probably be the last of such a public celebration.  It needed to be then and it is done.

Today I find that as my birthday approaches, I ask more questions that have to do with my life's task--how much have I accomplished and what am I creating in the world? What do my footprints look like?  Have I created a path or have I muddied the way? I find that the older I get, my birthday has less and less to do with me.  

In this day and age of multi-dimensional crises, may we all find our way towards celebrations that are true and "enough" and may our children learn that their lives are not just about them. 

IMAGINE THAT

Eleven years ago today I became a mother for the first time. Before I became pregnant with Santiago, I was not sure I wanted to have children. I knew it was going to be difficult and that my life would not be the same, but after a long and unexpectedly difficult labor and birth, there he was.  My heart exploded, expanded and suddenly encompassed the world.  Until then, I did not know I had so much love in me. I was forever changed. Everything I have done since, I have done for him and, four years later, his brother Andres.

Every July 20, I celebrate both my son's birthday and my initiation into motherhood and infinite womanhood, because that is what it really is.  Nothing can stretch and shape you more than your children. Santiago is my teacher in so many ways.  He is sensitive, intense, incredibly intelligent, funny, and will not survive without a book. He is also the one who made me realize how much anger I carried within me and demanded that I recognize it.  Our children see and magnify that in us which needs to be worked through and will act and react to it until we have found the courage to face it.

There are days when I wonder how God could have possibly thought I could be a mother when I mostly fumble and err, then I count the passing of the years and am astounded that we are all still standing strong in love and joy despite our many trials.  At night when both my boys--no matter the strong and detached front they show me during the day--reach up to me for their nightly hugs and kisses, I am still amazed that they chose me despite my many weaknesses.

It is this faith and trust I feel I must live up to.  It is what pushes me to engage in the world and continue my life's task in PAGASA.  Eleven years ago today, I was born into the world of consciously living for others and despite the deluge of trials, I can only feel gratitude in my heart for the honor and privilege of having these two little boys to journey with.

MOI? POLITICS? NEVER!!!

At least that's what I said many years ago when an astrologer told me I would be part of a political force in the country. I naturally dismissed it because I assumed she was saying I would be in government.  Eleven years later,  I see what she meant.  I am still not in politics and still have no interest in running for office, but I am part of a cultural force that is addressing the political realm. That's very different from being "in politics".

That is what my work is with PAGASA.  I'm writing this because we had a PAGASA process for my children's school and I heard that a parent didn't participate because she thought it was "Panjee's foundation that had to do with politics".  PAGASA is a cultural movement that aims to create change in society by helping individuals realize how they are connected to the larger picture.

I understand why people are allergic to the word politics: it's ugly, dirty, and corrupt.  But our looking and staying away is also what allows it to become so. This doesn't mean we necessarily have to become politicians, but it does mean we have to become aware of the role we play in the larger society-- whether we like it or not, whether we move directly in the sphere of politics or not.  

I've been hearing some people speak about how ordinary, good citizens have to be bold and courageous enough to enter politics in order for change to take place in government.  But is that all that is needed?  We already know that the system--ancient and corrupt to the gills--is problematic and has a tendency to devour even the purest of soul and intention.  It is not enough to be good.  One must go in there with a full understanding of the complexity of the whole and with the inner strength that comes also with a full understanding of who he is as an individual, human being and Filipino.  You cannot go in there just with prayers, high hopes, and the best of intentions.

There are some civilians who are joining the political fray. I've heard some of them speak and though they are claiming to be bringing something new, they sadly still reek of traditional politics.  They speak and act like them, even though what they're saying may be different -- for now.  But when I listen to them, I know I cannot possibly vote for them.  I look at them, listen to what they're saying, how they're going about the change and I know that what they bring is not enough. 

It is our role as citizens of this country to engage in it fully. This doesn't mean running for office.  It means making an effort to understand the full picture and see how we fit and, therefore what we can do to effect change.  Because it is not a hopeless situation.  It is only hopeless when we give up or refuse to acknowledge the hope because we know that the situation demands something of each one of us.  We cannot live in oblivion and keep complaining.  We cannot keep pretending that we are not part of that muddy place called politics.  We are, for as long as we are citizens and residents of this country.  As long as the laws they make affect us, we are.  As long as the corruption keeps taking away what is rightfully ours, we are. We are part of the whole.

"There can be no tyrants where there are no slaves", that's what Jose Rizal said.  In today's context, we are the slaves by virtue of our silence and inaction.  We do not have to be angry all the time.  We do not have to go out into the streets again if that really does not resonate anymore.  But we do have to engage by trying to understand what all of this means in the history of our country and what it is asking of us today, especially if we brought children into this society who will one day inherit the mess.

PAGASA is one way of understanding the complexity of the situation and hopefully finding our place in it that we can move, heal and bring forward. Our children are depending on us to make their world right.  We cannot but rise to the challenge.

DISCERNMENT

That word is rife with meaning in our world of too much info.  Google anything and out comes a plethora of words, photos, reviews, ratings, videos, blogs, you name it. There's a lot of crap about me on the internet and I used to want to wring the neck of irresponsible people who just automatically think any information is accurate and needs to be disseminated.  But I'm calmer about that now as I know I don't really need to lift a finger for the same kind of energy to find its way back to them.

I've also received too much junk in my email about all kinds of things.  The latest assault came with disturbing graphic photos and the accompanying advice to wash newly bought underwear before wearing them because of flesh-eating bacteria that caused all kinds of terrible lesions and infections. First, that's common sense.  Please wash anything new before wearing it.  Next, how can we confirm that those photos were authentic, or that there's even an underwear-borne flesh-eating bacteria? I mean, really.  We have to be responsible about the information we unleash out there.

When I pointed out the above to the sender--someone I don't know but whose name and junk keep appearing in my mailbox--she said she didn't send me the junk and her mail was addressed to someone else, another person I didn't know.  Horrors!  Which brings me to my next point:  if you don't know the person, do not put them in your mailbox or feel you can keep sending them junk. Anonymity does not equal intimacy.  It is the opposite.  Online, we have to erect firm, inward boundaries and abide by them.

I have a few people in my circle who just love to forward junk. I simply ignore, ignore, ignore and really only answer personal email. In this world of "too much" what is needed is a clear path to less, to strive to be lean in everything--getting and imparting just what is needed, or just what is asked. The game is not about acquisition but discernment. 

Finally, this week, a friend forwarded a very strange and obviously bogus email from my mom, saying she was stranded in Africa somewhere and would need funds.  What was more surprising than the email were people's responses--doubt. "Is this for real?", they asked, when I took one look at it and knew it was bogus simply because of the content, tone, and flavor of the letter and not just because I knew my mother was in Makati.  I even got a text from someone I didn't really know saying it was urgent and she needed to speak with me about my mother. But I was in the middle of a workshop and instantly felt it might be related to the email.  I figured if there were a real emergency someone I knew would be calling me or Dale nonstop. During the break I asked if it might be about the bogus email and, indeed, that's what it was.  I would have been very upset if I had been interrupted because of that. Still I wondered why they even thought to check with me. Out of concern, perhaps, and I am grateful, but I still found the email so glaringly fake and immediately saw it for the scam that it was. But I had to laugh when I sent my mother a message saying I had read the email and she assured me she was in Makati and I needn't worry.  Even she gave it weight.

The Internet is a great tool, but like all modern conveniences, we must learn to use it responsibly.

Where Did The Time Go?

Wow. I can't believe how much time has passed since my last entry. Lots. I remember when I did my writing at night or on weekends, but now I seem to just pass out at the end of the day, at the first possible time.  My weekends have been largely spent on PAGASA, which has really taken on a life of its own, which brings me such joy and hope because it is clear that so many Filipinos are ready to be the change today. But of course it also leaves me slightly breathless and exhausted and needing more down time.  Used to be that my weekends were time for rest, but now they are when my work happens and then I jump into Monday when the bigger, physical, emotional, spiritual, cosmic work of being a mother begins again full blast. I often wonder how I manage but when the work is urgent and meaningful, everything seems to fall into place. Time collapses and you seem able to keep going despite your idea of your limitations. 

I have one more workshop coming this weekend, but I am inching my way back to my artistic home--writing--and I hope to be able to share more soon.

BUKAS NA!!

Please come to the festival on truth tomorrow.  This is a non-political, purely cultural celebration of truth and integrity. If you know anyone aged 16 to 29, encourage them to join the Philippine Vision Cafe. This is a great way for young people to get involved. Don't forget to click on the "Rizal and the Truth" poster on the sidebar.  Be there!!

I don't know why this poster is coming out so tiny, so please just click on it and view the details. At least try and come to meet Hartmut and hear him speak. He is a very special individual who was so much to share.  I hope to see you there.

What a Mess!

I went through every page of my newspaper today when a column title jumped out, "Don't Make A Mess In Your Own Backyard". I don't normally read that columnist anyway, but today I did. He was referring to the sexual harassment case filed by a young woman against an executive of a television network. The columnist said he hoped the network would handle it well and then continued to say, "I'm not a saint, but I have utmost contempt for fellow machos who make their female subordinates the object of their excess sexual energy. Why do they make a mess in their own backyard? Why can't they go elsewhere, if they have problems with their wives? Ang dami-daming babae sa labas, sa sarili mo pang bakuran ka magkakalat!"(Note: italics his)

These statements exemplify the Pinoy Macho (FROM HELL) mentality. He assumes that when men betray their wives, it is because they have problems with them. I say, men who betray their wives have problems. Period. And more likely, it is the wife who is at the receiving end of it. The problem is deeply rooted in integrity -- the healthy integration of soul, mind, body and more, in one physical body.  If you have a problem with your wife, is the solution to sleep with someone else? Are problems with wives all sexual in nature? Sexual problems do not have their origins in sex. But that isn't even the point. The columnist was basically saying that it's perfectly okay for married men to sleep with other women as long as they don't do it in "your own backyard".  

Am I the only one whose innards are twisting in fury? This is the kind of fragmentation that seems to lie at the core of our problems.  Ok lang magnakaw, basta magdasal at magsimba. Ok lang magsinungaling sa tao kasi lahat naman ng ginagawa mo, sa palagay mo, ay para din sa kanila. Ok lang na tumakbo ka kahit sinabi mo nang hindi ka tatakbo, e ganoon naman talaga ang politika. Ok lang ba? Ok ka lang?

Not for me and not for many others awakening to what it means to be truly human in the world today.  This means a conscious effort at integration which, in effect, eases out lies and dissonance.   A fully integrated human being cannot lie.  He cannot say one thing and do another.  It is not okay to make a mess in anyone's backyard, especially when you are hurting others, regardless of what the situation is.  You want to be with someone else? Be man enough to face the consequences.  Be man enough to tell your wife. Is it worth all the pain she and your children will carry for all time? These are questions that must be asked and answered.  

Let's not delude ourselves into thinking that infidelity is perfectly acceptable within defined parameters.  That is such a weak cop out.  Though I realize that most Filipino men live this way today, it is our task now (for the sake of future generations) to say that it is not okay at all. We need to show it and live it.  It is not okay to knowingly betray other people, no matter what the excuse.  We are human, yes, and we fall, but after that we know exactly what we need to do. We cannot excuse our bad behavior any longer. As we can all see today, these "permissible zones" are exactly what bring a country and its people to their greatest despair.

Talk about making a mess in your own backyard.

IPANALO ANG TOTOO

Here's another great video by another dear friend, colleague and spiritual brother, Jay Cruz. Jay was a voice of utter cynicism in the PAGASA forum with Conrad de Quiros. He was sitting behind me and the heaviness of his words were really cutting. It took him a few months to join the PAGASA workshop after we invited him, but he came. And he has been with us since. What a force to contend with. Mae and Jay have really added energy, humor and excellence to our work. Jay's video is another winner. It really uplifts you! With talents like his and Mae's consciously and actively working on transforming our country, how can anyone feel hopeless?

MAE PANER'S "LUPANG HINIRANG"

I'm so proud of this video because a dear friend and spiritual sister, Mae Paner, created it.  She came to a PAGASA workshop a fantastic and talented commercial director, responsible for putting one or two people in the Senate.  She left the workshop feeling she could no longer use her gifts that way and created this instead.  This video has taken a life of its own and is inspiring Filipinos everywhere.  I've been waiting to upload this and now, finally, here it is. Amazing.

YOU HAVE TO COME!!!

I have been neglecting my blog because I have been very busy with PAGASA and the related initiatives.  The next one coming up is "Pepe Goes to Market".  This will be a festival that celebrates truth so please try and make it.  Check out the schedule of activities and make sure you  block the dates.  If you feel like you want to be part of the energy that's working hard to transform this country from the inside out, but don't know where to begin, this is it!  I hope to see you there.

INTEGRITY EVERYWHERE

 

My heart broke last week when a most respected and loved columnist wrote that he didn’t mind a president with mistresses, but wouldn’t abide a liar and a cheat. I’m still in mourning. I don’t understand how infidelity can be acceptable if integrity is the primary requirement for a leader. In order to govern with integrity, that leader must first live it.

 

Integrity isn’t something you put on for work and hang in the closet in exchange for your slippers at the end of the day. It lives in your bones. It holds you upright no matter where you are, no matter who you’re with. Integrity cannot be fragmented. This is why I cannot imagine settling for a leader who might be able to govern well but will repeatedly cheat on his wife. Infidelity corrupts the soul of families and predisposes innocent children to a future of lies and deceit. Some will argue that what their families don’t know or see won’t hurt them but I say these are the very things that will wound them deeply. Children do not have to see the details, but everything that happens in and around them—everything the parents carry in their souls—are imbibed by them unconsciously and will sprout into god-knows-what in adulthood. The dawning of this reality altered the course of my life and continues to influence it.

 

During a recent PAGASA forum, Fr. Albert Alejo of EHEM! spoke about "The Culture of Corruption". He said corruption kills. Corruption in the DOH robs sick people of medicine. Corruption in the DENR causes landslides. It does kill. Cheating on your family is corruption of the first water. It deprives them of clarity and health of soul. It robs them of truth and choice. Cheating is cheating. There are no degrees. A president who has a mistress is already a cheat. If he can betray those he vowed to love and cherish, what is it to him to wound an entire nation of faceless men and women?

 

A reader recently wrote that at least GMA is the devil that we know. By asking for special elections, he felt PAGASA was exposing the Philippines to a greater danger—that of a devil we don’t know. I could have wept. Settle for a devil we know? How can we settle for any kind of evil? This is why PAGASA’s first and foremost call is for inner change. What is inside will inevitably seep out into the world. It cannot be held in. What is rotten will not bear fruit. There is no way around it.

 

We are in this mess because corruption has become convenient. We shake our heads, might feel a twinge of guilt or remorse but do it anyway. We make a u-turn where we shouldn’t because going the right way will eat up time already taken away by the unbearable traffic. Everyone else is doing it anyway. Why go the extra mile? Anyway, we can pay our way through with cash or rank, especially if we are a government official. All we need to do is flash our infamous face to the traffic enforcer and we’re off. We tell our children drugs are dangerous but indulge in them because we know what we’re doing. Besides, we’re only social users. We instruct our helpers to tell callers we’re not home, even as our children look on perplexed. Aren’t we home, right by the phone? What does it teach them about us, about life, about what it means to be a fully responsible, socially engaged Filipino?

 

Even as we call for change, very few are calling for the fundamental change of the Filipino himself. But that is impossible. We cannot change structures, if those who will inhabit them are not changed. We cannot expect a clean government if those who run it do not hold integrity as an incorruptible value. We cannot expect our children to be citizens of truth if we habitually negate our vows—words we uttered on our own, aloud, in Church, before a priest, before the image and likeness of the Christ.

 

We are human and sin is part of our destiny, but how we consciously transform it makes all the difference. When the dust has settled and we start picking through the rubble, do we resolve to become better people and will the changes, or do we shed tears, make all the appropriate noises, and then fall back into the cycle of untruth?

 

We cannot change anything in government if we are not willing to make the changes in our personal lives. What good is a clean government if society continues to tread the muddy path? Everything begins at home. If we are going to demand integrity of our leaders, we should aim for the whole package. I fully accept the humanity and weakness of every leader, but I do care that he or she always strives for wholeness and good.

 

Integrity from within is the only kind that brings true and lasting change. Everything else is fluff.

Feb 2006